On Breakups and White Lies

The threads of alleged niceness that are taught and encouraged today are, in actuality, anything but. This point has been brought up ad naseum by numerous authors and bloggers, so I will not spend any time supporting such a transparent fact. In this post, I want to take a brief look at the idea that using white lies is the best and kindest recourse, when instigating a breakup. Readers of my blog already know where I stand on the use of vacuous phrases utilized in the midst of a breakup. Yet, there are some who take the stance that it is better to cushion the blow and use white lies, rather than risk upsetting or hurting the self-esteem of a soon-to-be ex.

While it might seem that using trite, unaccompanied, meaningless phrases such as, "I just don't feel we're meant to be together," "It's not you, it's me," "This is just not quite working out," would be the kindest way to end a relationship, it really is anything but. My first objection to such a method is that it is primarily concerned with keeping the peace and avoiding confrontation. From a Biblical standpoint, one's primary motivation in any action or method should be love and a genuine desire for the best of the other person. When one's motives are skewed, it is certain that one's methods will be far from ideal. A fear-based mentality that seeks to avoid conflict is a selfish one rather than an others-centric love-based mentality.

If one does have a genuine care for the well-being of another, then love dictates that one's actions should be more concerned with helping a person and pointing them in a direction of personal growth, than of attempting to help them avoid unpleasant feelings which might be stirred up in the process. That some truths are unpleasant and uncomfortable does not mean that they should not be faced or dealt with. Similarly, if one does have a true love for another, such a person will limit their statements to that which can lead to real change and growth. Alternately, it is a sign of malicious intent if one expresses things simply to cause pain or inflict emotional distress. Wisdom then reveals that the most loving method of breaking up involves a clear and candid statement of those real reasons for the breakup which offer the opportunity for personal growth, stemming from a motive of love.

Secondly, a problem with the use of ambiguous or misleading language in the midst of breakup is that such verbalizations often cross the line into dishonesty and deception. A person of integrity may not fully reveal their entire stance, but they will never willfully deceive or mislead another. When the reason for the breakup is stated solely as, "It's not you, it's me," this is generally a flat-out lie. The intentional deception of another person is something that is not kind, loving or righteous in any regard. It is an evil of the highest sorts.

In considering the effect to the self-esteem of the soon-to-be ex, we must first consider the proper place of self-esteem. Proper self-esteem is a right estimation of oneself and one's standing in life. Viewing oneself as more perfect or less flawed than one is, results in an attitude of pride. Viewing oneself as more flawed or less capable than one is, needlessly inhibits one's ability to function in the world. Self-esteem, then, is only a good thing if is it founded on facts and built on a proper assessment of oneself. If a person's self-image is skewed, their self-esteem will be based on an illusion rather than truth. Therefore, the very best thing for a person's self-esteem is that it be based on a right estimation of self. It is necessary to be cognizant of one's strengths and weaknesses in order to rightly estimate oneself. In the process of a breakup, then, the best thing is for a person to be made aware of those strengths that they do not realize and also of those shortcomings, of which they are unaware. Anything else ensures that a flawed self-image is retained.

Regarding the clear exposition of reasons for a breakup, there is no mandate that such a thing occur. However, it is in the best interests of the other person that such an exposition be made. When vague and ambiguous reasons are offered, the person on the receiving end of the breakup lacks the peace of mind to know what caused the breakup. In the long-run it is far more troubling and emotionally painful to be left in the dark than it is to come to accept clearly-stated reasons given. Additionally, when no reasons are given, there is nothing that a person can do to attempt to avoid a similar future outcome. When clear and specific reasons for a breakup are given, a person is able to recognize their own flaws and deficiencies and grow in those areas. The correction of character and personality flaws in oneself increases the likeliness of better future relational outcomes. For those two reasons, it seems that it is far better to offer clear and specific reasons for a breakup, as opposed to explaining nothing.

Therefore, despite the initial attractiveness of the use of white lies or statements of ambiguity to preserve the feelings of another in a breakup, rational minds will conclude that such an approach conflicts with love and a genuine desire for the well-being of another. Lies, motivated by fear and selfishness, are incompatible with a love of truth, a pursuit of integrity or a lifestyle of love. Avoidance of real issues rather than a candid addressing of such issues robs someone of real opportunities for personal growth. As such, a clear and specific exposition of the issues leading to a breakup, offered from a heart of love, out of a genuine desire for the best of the other, is the most wholesome and caring method of ending relationships.

Peer Approval

Most people have a natural desire for acceptance. They want to be well-liked and perceived favorably by those they interact with. This is a reasonable and healthy desire. However, one simple fact of life is that you can't please everyone. And, even supposing you could please everyone, you really shouldn't. For this reason, it is crucially important to determine whose opinions and perspectives actually matter, and whose don't. Most people's opinions and perceptions fall into the second category. Because of this, I think that the best mental state to adopt towards most people's opinions of you is one of complete indifference. If they like you, that's nice. So what? If they think you are stupid, that's fine. So what?

There are four main components that factor into people's assessment of you. First, there is who you actually are. Secondly, there is how you present yourself. Third, there is how a person perceives you. Fourth, there is how a person judges you based on their perception of you. As you can see it's a pretty lengthy signal pathway, and therefore there is a lot of possible interference. Because of this, there are numerous reasons why a person might like or dislike you. A person may dislike you because of the way you present yourself and interact, even though you may be more likable beneath the surface. A person may dislike you because they have a skewed view of you, and don't correctly interpret how you present yourself. A person may dislike you because of their own internal standards, which you don't measure up to.

Considering these various factors and their possible effects on public approval, there are really only two sorts of actions you can take to alter your standings in someone else's eyes. The opinions and perceptual accuracy of another person cannot be directly affected, which leaves you having control only over who you actually are and how you choose to interact. For this reason, it is important to be aware of who you are and have a clear image of the personal ideal that you are moving towards. Also, it is good to cultivate a high-level of social awareness, so that you are conscious of how you interact with others and how they respond to you. This awareness will allow to you adjust your social calibration to various groups and settings, so that you will be versatile in interacting with various types of groups. One-on-one conversations are very different than group interactions. Chatting over coffee is very different from meeting people in a bar, which is quite different from chatting with people at church, which offers a very different sort of group dynamic from a road trip in a crowded car. Likewise, interacting with intellectuals requires a very different sort of social skillset than getting along well with rambunctious youngsters, party-crazy college students or blue-collar workers. There are no one-size-fits-all methods of interaction that will work equally well with every group of people, which is why social awareness and adaptability are vital.

Fundamentally, likability comes down to several things. For the most part people will like you if you are friendly, have a positive attitude towards them, conform to the social norms of the group and avoid stepping on anyone's toes. Likewise, if you appear unfriendly, seem to have a negative attitude towards someone, show a lack of understanding of or disregard for group social norms or make comments that bother someone, then people are more likely to dislike you. These are the basic rules for likability. Being aware of this allows you to intentionally choose how to interact in any group.

Though in many cases, acting in a likable manner is most desirable, there are some times when you might want to choose to act in a contrary manner. In a positive, healthy peer group, there is rarely any reason or need to behave contrarily. However, in a peer group that supports unhealthy lifestyle decisions and shames those who refuse to participate, nonconformity is the best response. A couple of months ago a friend invited me to a holiday barbecue she was hosting. Since I had just met her recently, I didn't know any of her friends and I had no idea what sort of party it would be. She mentioned there would be alcohol, and that certainly didn't bother me. However, when I actually showed up, I found out that it was a very hedonistic sort of party and that most of them were crazy party animals. There was lots of drinking, drug use, smoking and sensual dancing. Lots of people were taking shots of alcohol, and one fellow asked me to take a shot of vodka with him. I immediately declined and told him that I don't do shots. He quickly informed me that it was very disrespectful to refuse to take a shot, and that I was disrespecting him. Confident in my stance and unaffected by his attempts to shame me, I repeated that I don't do shots and then grabbed another hamburger before going to chat with someone else. Though it certainly wasn't my favorite party, I met a couple nice people and had a good time. By the time I left, a couple people liked me, a couple people disliked me and most people still held a neutral opinion of me.

What concerns me more than what other people think of me is how I act. In the case of those who disliked me, they disliked me because I refused to participate in their drunken revelry. However, since I reject their standards of approval and stand by my actions as being wise and righteous, their unfavorable opinion of me carries no weight. I don't care. In this case I didn't go out of my way to show active disapproval of their lifestyle and carnal hedonism, but even supposing I had, there would be nothing wrong with such a course of action. Sometimes righteous living involves a passive rejection of certain worldviews, and sometimes it involves active opposition to certain ways of acting.

Jesus Christ is the prime example of someone who lived intentionally and always acted righteously. Some people loved Him. Some people hated His guts. Some people remained indifferent. Yet, Jesus was never swayed by people's opinions. Instead, He chose to carry out the Father's will in all things and live righteously, without compromise. Jesus never concerned Himself with how likable He was. So, sometimes He dined with tax collectors, prostitutes and sinners without shaming or judging them. Other times, He rebuked the Pharisees for their legalism. Sometimes He showed repentant people mercy and exhorted them to walk in the path of righteousness. Other times, he fashioned a whip and drove people out of the temple for disrespecting God's house. Jesus' main goal was righteous, assertive, consistent living. This resulted in Him being fiercely loved and violently hated.

As the moral example for our lives, we should all strive to adopt the same perspective that Jesus had. Right living is the goal. Approval from God is the one thing that should motivate our actions. People's opinions and the approval of our peer group should hold no power over the ways we choose to act and relate to people. The opinions that we should heed are those of role models and authority figures who have wisdom and insight. Parents, close friends, family members, church elders and mentors can offer valuable insights into how we should act and think about life. Everyone else's opinions really don't matter. Feel free to be likable when you want to be, and enjoy nonconformity when the situation calls for it. No matter what you do, be intentional and refuse to compromise your values.

Out of the Comfort Zone: Meeting Strangers

The world is full of fascinating people! Yet, sometimes we are so caught up with our own activities or afraid of talking to strangers that we miss numerous connections and opportunities. Learning to step out of one's comfort zone and strike up conversations with strangers is a great way to improve your social skills, grow as a person and discover more about our intriguing world. I want to offer you a new paradigm, which will bring greater joy and freedom!

Understandably, there is naturally a little uncertainty or nervousness about talking to someone new. You don't know what sort of person they are, what interests them, or nearly anything else about them. What if they are really weird and unusual? What if they are mean or mind-numbingly boring? Such questions stem from fear-based thinking and are based on false assumptions about people. The truth is, most people are quite normal and typically strangers are friendlier than you would expect. I know this from experience.

Nearly every time I'm out in public, I end up meeting someone new or talking to someone that I have never seen before. This afternoon, when I was at Starbucks, I met a fascinating, articulate, intelligent young man who is very passionate about exposing the lies that are propagated by the American government and mass media. We had an in-depth discussion about the state of our nation and how many mainstream ideas are harmful and untrue. I met him completely by coincidence. He was reading a book, and I simply asked him a question about it. That single question launched a scintillating discussion for over an hour.

This sort of thing is hardly a rare occurrence. I regularly meet new and interesting people. Part of this stems from my attitude towards strangers. I view every stranger as simply a friend that I haven't yet met. Because I view most people as naturally friendly, interesting and talkative, I have no troubles striking up conversations about any number of topics. Secondly, I not only view other people as fascinating and sociable, but I also know that I am an interesting person to talk to and therefore assume that most people would quite enjoy talking to me, given the chance. Since talking to a stranger is a mutually enjoyable and beneficial event, it becomes rather easy to meet new people.

Sometimes a person feels timidity about beginning a conversation, and the possibility of rejection. However, rejection is a very harmless worst-case scenario. Even if someone doesn't want to talk to you, you have lost nothing. You didn't know them before, and you don't know them now. No big deal! Yet, the potential gain is limitless! You never know if the next person you meet may be your future spouse, your new best friend or a profitable business client. Once you recognize that you have nothing to lose and everything to gain, most of the fear and timidity related to talking to strangers goes away.

Besides having a paradigm that views meeting strangers as a positive experience, I also take action to initiate conversations. Last week I was hanging out at Starbucks in the evening and I noticed a couple of girls playing Scrabble. Since Scrabble is one of my favorite board games, I came to see how their game was progressing and what amazing words they had used. After that I sat down by myself to work on an essay I was writing, but soon I noticed that they had finished their first round of Scrabble and were about to play again. I asked them if I could join them and they were happy to have another player. We had a really fun time playing Scrabble and chatting about life, school and the joys of summer.

These are just a couple everyday experiences that I have in meeting strangers. I am always meeting new and exciting people! If you adopt a similar mindset and take action to strike up conversations, you will quickly find more people to date, more amazing friends to hang out with and more exciting opportunities arising.

One-Week Challenge:
Strike up a conversation with at least one person you've never talked to before every day for one week. The conversation can be as short as a simple question-and-answer or as long as you wish.