The Art of Date Improvisation

I used to believe that planning dates was an important thing. Figuring out all the logistics in advance seemed like the best idea. However, over the past year or so, my mindset has completely changed. As someone who lives radically in the moment, I rarely make any plans at all more than a week in advance, I don't even start considering date ideas until at least the day before the date, and I never solidly plan any date anymore. Instead, I mentally sketch a general idea of what I might feel like doing and leave plenty of room for improvisation. The result of an improvisational approach to dates? Dates are a lot more fluid, a lot more enjoyable, and any obstacles or deviations completely fail to bother me. I welcome change and unexpected turns of event.

There are several crucial elements to improvisational dates. In many ways, improvisational dates are very similar to good jazz solos, but there are certainly a few differences.

Have an Array of Possibilities Beforehand
Improvisation isn't about coming with stuff completely out of thin air. Instead, it's about having a wide range of possible directions to go, and choosing them in the moment, in accordance with the present mood. As such, before the date begins it's vital to have a mental list of possibilities. This can be a list of various venues that you might feel like visiting, or this might be a list of various activities that can be done at a given location. Your array or choices can be as broad or as selective as desired. A simple improvisational date list might be as simple as Outdoor Activity (go for a walk, play frisbee, kick around a soccer ball, or play at a playground) followed by a Meal (grill steaks at home, grab a burger from In-N-Out, or pickup Chinese food) and then relax at home (listen to new CD, play video games, cuddle and watch a movie, or play cards). That simple improvisational framework offer 48 possible dates, consisting of only three different activities. The vastness of your array of possibilities is limited only by your imagination.

Establish Proper Expectations
This one is fairly obvious, but it's also an absolutely crucial one. Given that improvisational dates aren't always "tried and tested," it is important that both you and your date have no solidly set expectations for what will or will not happen. Disappointment and dates don't mix especially well and they often don't end well, either. As such, it is important for you not to count on certain things happening or working out perfectly, and it's important for your date not to have any misconceptions about what you might end up doing or where you might end up going. The simplest way to eliminate false expectations in your date's mind is simply not to tell her where you're going or what you're doing. Not only does this circumvent any misconceptions or problematic expectations, but it also serves to enhance your aura of mystery.

Be Confident and Decisive
Since improvisional dates often change on whim, it is critical that you remain perfectly confident and firmly decisive. Displaying these two leadership qualities well communicates the subtext that you can be trusted and that no obstacles deter or bother you. When you are confident and decisive enough, your date will never even know whether a given adventure was pre-planned or improvised. In her mind, it all flowed together so smoothly and seamlessly that it hardly seems like the result of improvisation. When things don't go as smoothly as planned, she has the opportunity to see that you can dynamically handle situations as they arise. Either way, you win.

Improvise Based on the Energy of the Date
Since the chief focus of the date isn't the venues visited and the activities done, it's important to keep the interpersonal vibe the central focus of the date. The best choices are made based on the level of energy and the present vibe of the date. If the two of you are starting to reach a lower-level of energy, it probably isn't a good idea to go for a three-mile run or begin an indepth discussion of quantum physics. Likewise, if the mood is starting to get more personal and connected, it probably isn't a good idea to do something that involves competition or puts too much physical or emotional space between you and your date. Instead, the way you improvise should capitalize on the flow of energy and serve to further direct it. Some of the best dates are ones that have contrasting levels of energy or vibes. This serves to engage both people's emotions more fully and creates a more visceral experience.

Most Importantly, Have Fun!
In the end, the whole point of improvisional dates is to have a good time doing some fun things with a person that you like. As such, it is important to only choose elements that will be mutually enjoyable. If one of the ideas you previously thought of doesn't seem like a fun choice, don't do it. If none of the options you have in mind seem fun, then throw them all out and choose something else. If something you're doing is even more fun than you expected, then do it for longer. If something you thought would be fun ends up being quite dull, don't waste any more time on it--change activities right away! There are few things more enjoyable in life than having an amazing time with someone you enjoy being around.

Text Game - Always Have An Agenda

Both Roissy and Aunt Haley have written blogs today on text game. The simple fact is, in today's world, texting is the primary means of interpersonal distance communication. Phone calls are rare and mostly unnecessary. E-mails are too cumbersome and inconvenient. Contrarily, texts are short, quick, and direct. As such, the art of text game is to capitalize on the positive qualities of texting while minimizing the losses associated with the limitations of the medium.

As someone who has been texting and IMing girls for years, I've directly experienced the impact of most of the pros and cons of texting. From my experiences, the most important rule of text game is: always have an agenda. The reason for this is that texting is a poor substitute for practically anything else. Given the extremely limited amount of information communicated, texting is a poor way to attempt any serious attraction or comfort building. It is also a very poor medium for conversations of any depth. Instead, it is best used mainly for the following things:

Invitations/Propositions
This one is self-explanatory. The purpose of your communication is to invite a girl to a specific event. There are two ways to handle this sort of text. Either you can send a full detail invitation which requires only a confirmation text, or you can send a minimal detail invitation that requires the girl to ask for additional details if she's interested.

Frame Communication
The purpose of a frame communication text is to convey some aspect of your personality to a girl. Teasing a girl, ignoring a direct question, referring to a girl in a certain manner, or reframing a question or statement are all examples of dominant attraction-building frame communications.

Connection Pings
The purpose of these texts is to establish a brief moment of connection and possibly to determine a girl's present emotional state towards you and/or life. These can be as direct as, "Hi how r u?" or more indirect in the form of a non-needy trial/feeler text.

Information Gathering
These texts are used when you wish to find out something. Often the entire exchange is merely a question and an answer. In other cases, this is used as a prelude to a date invitation. The key to a good information gathering text is brevity and clarity. Phrase the question in the simplest unmistakable form possible.

Information Transmission
Occasionally there is a change of plan or some intervening circumstance that will require you to inform a girl of something. In these cases, keep it simple and communicate no more than you need to. The point is simply to keep her informed.


Anything else besides those things is mere unnecessary fluff. Tight game requires one to completely eliminate needless fluff. Whenever you send a text, always know exactly what the purpose of the communication is. If there's any doubt about whether you should send a certain text, or why you're sending a certain text, just delete it. The main point of text game is to set up a date in order to spend some quality one-on-one time with a girl. All other aspects of text game are simply a means to that end. The best way to tighten up your text game? Stick to the basics, always have a specific agenda for every single message you send, and don't spend much time or energy texting. Texting should always serve to enhance your life--never to distract you from living it.

A Post Worth Highlighting

I just came across this post by Phoenixism and the vital truth of what he wrote really struck me. In a lot of corners of the Roissyshere, there seems to be an extreme overemphasis on female physical beauty, almost at the expense of all else. While there is token mention of various personality traits that are desirable, there is exceedingly little emphasis on character traits or consistently honorable behavior. While such an emphasis on externals alone does seem to make sense, given the general focus on short-term relationships and the irreligious nature of those whose voices are heard, yet such reductionism is still dangerous to internalize.

Phoenixism's post, entitled, "The Plain Jane and the culture of artificiality," addresses this very issue and raises the question of whether what men think they want is preventing them from finding what they actually seek, relationally. This excerpt from ths post boldly points out the truth:

We men are fond of sanctifying the the gilded image of feminine perfection while failing to live out our own sense of perfection. I see way too many men in this community who are ragingly superficial while acting the part of mindless clowns, which is fine because this gig will work and it will get some guys laid. The problem as I see it is that their own personal offerings do not invoke the quality of female perfection they act entitled to. The woman they desire and not-so-discreetly reward is the flashy temptress who willingly immerses herself in the same social outlets the men do and which affords both the ability to meet on mutually artificial terms. Men seek the brainless, whored out image they have learned from television and the rest of pop culture. Men, playing the feminine role of pretentious attention whore only serve to encourage and proliferate the same behavior in women who are their natural mating demographic.

The dating scene amongst the majority of 20-somethings (extending into their early 30s, as well) seems one that is etched with subdued superficiality and half-hearted standards when in fact the overriding impulse is one of purely physical and visceral pleasure.

There is a strong tendency, especially in those who are seeking new ways of perceiving and approaching relationships, to kow-tow to the current cultural trends and adopt such mindsets, almost uncritically. Given that Game theory places a strong emphasis on appearance, social status, and external communication, it is quite easy to fall into the trap of changing one's ideals, without even realizing that a change has taken place. When a man begins to be acutely status-conscious, he consider the implications of every word, every garment, every public interaction and every woman he dates. While an awareness of the social impact of certain things isn't harmful, it is quite easy to become enslaved to the whims of other peoples' perceptions, instead of adopting a fixed, rational foundation for considering what should be done and said. That is a trap which must be avoided, since much is as stake. As Phoenixism points out in his post, often the superficiality that many men absorb causes them to overlook women who might make much better relationship prospects.

What Women Think They Want

Recently, I went out to dinner with some friends of mine. There were four of us. The first fellow, a stable middle-aged guy (SMG) is quite soundly in the beta provider category. He has a great place to live, is very responsible with his money, throws good parties and is pretty easy to get along with. The second fellow is a player extraordinaire (PE). He has loads of natural game, a well established reputation as a bad boy and a fun, completely comfortable persona. The last person, player extraordinaire's girlfriend, is a nice but fairly typical American woman (TAW).

SMG was extremely excited because he had a blind date set up for the next weekend. He was on his phone texting this girl and setting up a time and location for the date when we first arrived at the restaurant. This was a pretty big thing for him, since he's not very assertive towards women and hasn't been on a date in quite a long time. So, for the first while, he was telling us about this girl and how his friend set him up on a date with her. He was telling us that they're planning on going to a nice restaurant for lunch. Next, he asks this question.

SMG: "Do you think I should get her some flowers?"

TAW: "You should definitely get her some flowers."

Me: "Why in the world would you get a girl flowers on a first date?"

TAW looks at me quite taken aback. She says: "You don't have a girlfriend, do you?"

Me: "Nope. I broke up with her a few weeks ago. She wasn't quite cutting it."
Pointing to PE, I ask her, "Did he get you any flowers on your first date?"

PE, chiming in: "We didn't exactly have a first date."

Next he goes on to casually mention that even though they've been dating for about 7 or 8 months, he's never gotten her flowers, never taken her out for dinner, and typically gets her to pay for him for most things they do. TAW really doesn't say much about any of this, but goes back to the initial question and addresses SMG again.

TAW: "Girls love flowers. You should get her some."

PE: "Or you could get her one flower. A flower that is just beginning to blossom, whose petals are just starting to open up."

PE launches into a story about one girl that he brought flowers for, who ended up being deathly allergic to most types of flowers. She was also allergic to chocolate, so he was quite happy he didn't bring a box of those.

The whole evening was quite interesting, and we had a lot of other interesting interchanges. I am endlessly amused by the vast divergence between what women think that they want and what they actually desire. TAW clearly seemed to think that she liked flowers, romance and nice gestures. Yet, the clear evidence of her relationship shows that none of those things actually matter to her. Instead, she was utterly enchanted with a fellow who is the furthest from "nice" or "romantic" possible. Women swoon for desirable men who have an overabundance of psychosocial dominance. They always think they want romantic gestures, but they actually find a lack of romantic expression, from a fun and engaging man with options, to be far more irresistible.

On Breakups and White Lies

The threads of alleged niceness that are taught and encouraged today are, in actuality, anything but. This point has been brought up ad naseum by numerous authors and bloggers, so I will not spend any time supporting such a transparent fact. In this post, I want to take a brief look at the idea that using white lies is the best and kindest recourse, when instigating a breakup. Readers of my blog already know where I stand on the use of vacuous phrases utilized in the midst of a breakup. Yet, there are some who take the stance that it is better to cushion the blow and use white lies, rather than risk upsetting or hurting the self-esteem of a soon-to-be ex.

While it might seem that using trite, unaccompanied, meaningless phrases such as, "I just don't feel we're meant to be together," "It's not you, it's me," "This is just not quite working out," would be the kindest way to end a relationship, it really is anything but. My first objection to such a method is that it is primarily concerned with keeping the peace and avoiding confrontation. From a Biblical standpoint, one's primary motivation in any action or method should be love and a genuine desire for the best of the other person. When one's motives are skewed, it is certain that one's methods will be far from ideal. A fear-based mentality that seeks to avoid conflict is a selfish one rather than an others-centric love-based mentality.

If one does have a genuine care for the well-being of another, then love dictates that one's actions should be more concerned with helping a person and pointing them in a direction of personal growth, than of attempting to help them avoid unpleasant feelings which might be stirred up in the process. That some truths are unpleasant and uncomfortable does not mean that they should not be faced or dealt with. Similarly, if one does have a true love for another, such a person will limit their statements to that which can lead to real change and growth. Alternately, it is a sign of malicious intent if one expresses things simply to cause pain or inflict emotional distress. Wisdom then reveals that the most loving method of breaking up involves a clear and candid statement of those real reasons for the breakup which offer the opportunity for personal growth, stemming from a motive of love.

Secondly, a problem with the use of ambiguous or misleading language in the midst of breakup is that such verbalizations often cross the line into dishonesty and deception. A person of integrity may not fully reveal their entire stance, but they will never willfully deceive or mislead another. When the reason for the breakup is stated solely as, "It's not you, it's me," this is generally a flat-out lie. The intentional deception of another person is something that is not kind, loving or righteous in any regard. It is an evil of the highest sorts.

In considering the effect to the self-esteem of the soon-to-be ex, we must first consider the proper place of self-esteem. Proper self-esteem is a right estimation of oneself and one's standing in life. Viewing oneself as more perfect or less flawed than one is, results in an attitude of pride. Viewing oneself as more flawed or less capable than one is, needlessly inhibits one's ability to function in the world. Self-esteem, then, is only a good thing if is it founded on facts and built on a proper assessment of oneself. If a person's self-image is skewed, their self-esteem will be based on an illusion rather than truth. Therefore, the very best thing for a person's self-esteem is that it be based on a right estimation of self. It is necessary to be cognizant of one's strengths and weaknesses in order to rightly estimate oneself. In the process of a breakup, then, the best thing is for a person to be made aware of those strengths that they do not realize and also of those shortcomings, of which they are unaware. Anything else ensures that a flawed self-image is retained.

Regarding the clear exposition of reasons for a breakup, there is no mandate that such a thing occur. However, it is in the best interests of the other person that such an exposition be made. When vague and ambiguous reasons are offered, the person on the receiving end of the breakup lacks the peace of mind to know what caused the breakup. In the long-run it is far more troubling and emotionally painful to be left in the dark than it is to come to accept clearly-stated reasons given. Additionally, when no reasons are given, there is nothing that a person can do to attempt to avoid a similar future outcome. When clear and specific reasons for a breakup are given, a person is able to recognize their own flaws and deficiencies and grow in those areas. The correction of character and personality flaws in oneself increases the likeliness of better future relational outcomes. For those two reasons, it seems that it is far better to offer clear and specific reasons for a breakup, as opposed to explaining nothing.

Therefore, despite the initial attractiveness of the use of white lies or statements of ambiguity to preserve the feelings of another in a breakup, rational minds will conclude that such an approach conflicts with love and a genuine desire for the well-being of another. Lies, motivated by fear and selfishness, are incompatible with a love of truth, a pursuit of integrity or a lifestyle of love. Avoidance of real issues rather than a candid addressing of such issues robs someone of real opportunities for personal growth. As such, a clear and specific exposition of the issues leading to a breakup, offered from a heart of love, out of a genuine desire for the best of the other, is the most wholesome and caring method of ending relationships.

Guess My Name Game

There are many various ways to approach women and cultivate their interest in you. Almost on accident, I have stumbled across an interesting way to generate more interest, establish solid frame and measure a girl's attraction for you. I call this technique the Guess My Name Game. Fundamentally, you approach a pickup just like you would any other, with one small exception. You do not introduce yourself. Initially, this has little to no effect. But, as the interaction goes on, a girl's curiosity starts to get the best of her. When she finally asks for your name, you can either take the easy route and simply tell her, or you can begin the Guess My Name routine.

The Guess My Name routine has several different variants. Either you can use it as a springboard for some good-natured teasing and verbal sparring, or you can use it as the condition of a bet, with a date as the object. The first version isn't very structured. When she asks your name, just tell her to guess. After a few guesses, you throw out a hint along with a neg like, "I thought women were supposed to be intuitive." Depending on the vibe, you can either keep it going for a while, adding more hints occasionally, or just tell her that's she's run out of guesses. The second version of the routine is a bit more structured. When she asks for your name you say, "I've got a better idea. You seem like a fun-loving girl. Do you like to make bets?" After her response, you say, "Okay, so here's a fun idea. I will give you two major hints about my name. You have 10 guesses. If you correctly guess my name, then I'll have to buy you a smoothie this Saturday. If you don't guess my name, then you have to buy me a smoothie. Sound good?" Of course, you can substitute a location and date purchase of your own: coffee, drinks, dinner, a movie, or whatever.

Not only is this routine a lot of fun, but it has several advantages from a technical standpoint. When you know a girl's name, and she doesn't yet know your name, it subconsciously reinforces the frame that you are a high-value and desirable guy. You are the one being chased, and not vice-versa. She must put in effort to find out your name. Secondly, the very fact that she wants to know your name is a solid IOI. Early on in the interaction, she doesn't really care if she knows your name, since you are just some guy she randomly met. As she become more invested in the interaction, she begins to actively desire to know your name, because she already feels a bit of attraction. The pickup is definitely going well when there's been enough positive interaction that she is emotionally invested enough to care about knowing your name. Lastly, by having fun and making her guess, you are demonstrating higher value by showing that you can even turn simple things into playful experiences and by showing her that you're not just the same as every other guy.

LTR Game - A Little Bit of Mystery

The human mind is always intrigued by the unknown. Whenever there is something that seems both interesting and knowable, while remaining unknown, it tantalizes the mind. Not only is use of the unknown a critical component of good stories and good movies, but in some measure, it is indispensable in a good relationship. Sometimes, in a relationship, openness and vulnerability is the best stance, while at other times, a little bit of mystery is precisely what is needed. Being able to effectively add a hint of mystery to your persona or your actions is a valuable skill to utilitize in running LTR game.

Depth of personality is primarily gauged based on perception. As such, there is little fundamental difference between actual mystery and perceived mystery. The simple fact that something which could be shared is being withheld provides plenty of fuel for the mind to ponder. It is fairly easy to cultivate a hint of mystery, and there are numerous ways to do it. Using wording that is intentionally ambiguous or indefinitive always allows for various possible interpretations. Reframing or avoiding an innocent direct question suggests the possibility of something hidden. Altering one's behavior slightly or being spontaneous implies a more nuanced personality.

Sometimes, when my LTR asks me what I'm up to, I let her know what exciting things I have planned. Last Friday afternoon, after a couple of texts back and forth, she texted me: "What are you up?" I replied: "Bet you wish you knew." Hoping I would answer her original question, she prompted: "I do wish I knew... hee hee hee!!!" Of course, whenever you're hinting at mystery, you can never reveal whatever is alluded to as mysterious. Hence, I never sent her a reply. An hour later she sent, "Well i hope your having fun... whatever you up are doing!!!" Naturally, I did just that. The next day, she was still somewhat curious about what I'd been up to. When I picked her up, she asked me, "Did you have fun last night?" One simply reply was all I needed, "Of course!"

As with anything in life, mystery must be cultivated in proper proportions. Too much mystery and you will seem unknowable and inhuman, which might work for STR game and seduction, but will prevent LTRs from developing very far. Too little mystery and you will seem boring, predictable and at least somewhat uninteresting. But, cultivating a certain amount of characteristic mystery serves to greatly enhance your interestingness and attractiveness. Learn to replace statements with insinuations occasionally. Every once in a while, reframe an innocent and harmless question. Learn to be spontaneous and keep things fresh. That way, even when your LTR isn't with you, she'll be curious about what you're up to, what you might do next, and what exciting things might be in store for the next time she sees you. With a little bit of mystery in your persona, she'll never know for certain--which will intrigue and fascinate her!

Game Takes Consistent Effort

Recently, I came across an interesting conjecture about the relative difference in required effort for maintaining an LTR compared to the necessary effort to maintain an active sex life through an endless string of casual relationships and STRs. Talleyrand writes:

Entropy always enters into a long-term relationship. The fact that it is often repeated that long-term relationships take “work” to be successful is evidence of this. It takes more energy over the long-term to keep an active sex life going if you are married, while it is easier and more frequent while the excitement and passion of a new romance is sizzling.

One of the simple facts of life is that entropy affects every aspect of existence, not just long-term relationships. Entropy is an inescapable force which requires regular effort to overcome. Now, while it is true that not as much effort is directly invested in any given relationship for those who engage in casual sex or STRs, it is not true that any less energy is needed. I have had experience with both LTRs and with casual dating. While one's energies are directed at different things, in both LTR game and STR game, effort must be consistently put in either to maintain the status quo or to improve one's results.

In a LTR, energy is directed towards getting to better know each other, towards building attraction, towards establishing and maintaining good relational habits, and towards better fulfilling one's relational role. It takes consistent effort to keep physically fit, to ensure continual physical attration. It takes consistent effort to keep one's mind active and to be interesting. It takes consistent effort to be growing spiritually. It takes consistent effort for a man to offer wise and consistent leadership to his woman. It takes consistent effort to cultivate a relational unity in the pursuit of oneness of mind and spirit. It takes consistent effort to ward off threats to the relationship that come in many forms (spiritual attack, cultural lies, social pressure...). Most certainly, establishing and maintaining a happy and healthy LTR or marriage is a challenging endeavor.

However, is it really any easier for the man who devotes his energy to continually meeting and bedding new women? Not at all. He must always be at the top of his game. The player must dedicate time and energy to ensure that he always has excellent physical presence, be keeping his body in shape, dressing well and utilizing proper body language. He must always be ready with routines, interesting conversational topics, and stories that demonstrate high value for whenever he meets a new girl. He must have a mental list of great meeting venues and comfort-building locations. He must regularly practice his game by going out and approaching attractive women. The chase and the challenge never lessen, therefore such a man must always consistently game well and sharpen his skills to ensure successful seduction.

With both types of Game, which utilize similar but somewhat different skillsets, there is a significant learning curve. However, to the degree that one properly learns the principles of Game and applies them habitually, the amount of mental energy needed to develop new relationships, attract girls or maintain one's LTR drops to a minimum. Yet, practically, time and energy are always required in relationships with women. You never get something for nothing. In a LTR, you must seduce your woman again and again. In the pursuit of STRs, you must meet and seduce new women again and again. In a LTR, you have to dedicate effort to being consistently attractive to your woman. In the pursuit of STRs, you must dedicate effort to be consistently attractive to many women. In both STRs and LTRs, the quality of the relationships and the regularity and quality of sex is extremely dependent on how good your Game is, and how much consistent effort is applied.

The idea that single men need utilize less energy and effort in pursuit of sex than married men is a fallacious idea that neglects the effect of entropy on any man's attractiveness. The simple fact is, having an active and fulfilling sex life takes consistent energy and effort for both the single man and the married man.

Relationship Killers: Unbalanced Priorities

It's an occurence that most of us can relate to. A close friend, after being single for a while, gets into a romantic relationship. Suddenly, the friend becomes a bit more scarce. You see him much less frequently than you used to. He becomes more flaky with his commitments. Then, eventually, the relationship bites the dust, and your friend is mostly back to his normal self. I've seen this precise pattern happen quite a number of times. Recently, this is what happened to a close friend of mine. While excitement about a new relationship is a good thing, overinvestment and poor priorities are very harmful.

There are several major problems with spending too much time with a new romantic partner. First of all, it demonstrates that your priorities aren't properly aligned. The most valuable resource that human beings have is time. Your priorities in life are most vividly shown by how you choose to spend your time. When you spend excessive amounts of time with a romantic partner it communicates the message that your new lover is the most important and valued part of your life. This is communicated to your lover, to your family, to your friends and to yourself. This goes against a cardinal rule of relationships. Overinvestness, like neediness, is unattractive. It signals to others that you aren't satisfied enough with your own life, and that your normal activities aren't exciting and engaging enough.

Silas' Relationship Maxim #1: A romantic relationship is just a part of your life, it should never be your life.

Second, when your priorities are not properly aligned, your other relationships and pursuits tend to suffer. When you overinvest yourself in a relationship, you have insufficient remaining time for your friends, for your family, for your spiritual journey, and for your creative pursuits or hobbies. Friendships will suffer because your actions demonstrate that you don't value your friends as much as they thought you did. Your spirituality begins to decline because you simply don't have enough remaining time to make God a priority. Creative output is diminished substantially, since all creative pursuits take regular time commitment. Given that time is as limited as it is, every hour that you spend doing one thing is an hour that you can't spend doing anything else. Some things can be reasonably cut, but there are many things in life that must remain priorities.

Third, while it might not happen initially, eventually your emotions will trouble you. When you are neglecting relationships that you should be nurturing or neglecting things that you know you should be doing, it catches up to you. Soon, you feel less like yourself. Your life isn't the same, and it begins to bother you. Your self-image begins to nose-dive. Good habits begin to erode and disappear. It isn't a good place to be.

Any one of these three issues has the potential to be a relationship-killer. Overinvesting yourself in a relationship may cause your lover to lose attraction for you. Pressure from friends and family (who love and miss you) will begin to affect the relationship. Negative emotions will profoundly impact your own enthusiasm about the relationship. Yet, the combination of these three factors is positively lethal. For that reason, it is always crucially important to keep a close eye on your priorities, whether you're in a relationship or not. Healthy relationships can only be formed by two people who have proper priorities. Healthy relationships can only grow stronger and more satisfying if proper priorities are consistently maintained.

For that reason, I think that the priorities of a person in a relationship can serve as a useful metric in determining the health and direction of that relationship. Proper priorities strengthen and reinforce a relationship, while unbalanced priorities hasten its demise.

The Solipsism of Individualism

There is an interesting strain of hypocrisy that I have noted in the blogs of some writers whom I follow. There are many who attest to the truths of modern men and women, especially in regard to their mindsets concerning relationships. They rightfully decry the social decay and entropy that has gripped our culture. Yet, I have seen something that, though unsurprising, does strike me as blind and hypocritical. Many of them correctly recognize that typical American women are solipsististic--that is, they are extremely narcissistic, self-seeking and self-absorbed. Very few American women truly value the men in their lives. Very few of them are willing to be sacrificial or offer genuine love or support. Indeed, rampant individualism permeates the worldview of most modern Americans. We are self-seeking creatures, who are consumed with getting the best for ourselves, while remaining unconcerned with the feelings and well-being of others. This is a cultural disease that does not merely affect the women.

Fundamentally, there are two different approaches to relationship. The first is an individualistic perspective. Individualism is defined as: "the pursuit of individual rather than common or collective interests; egoism." Our culture indoctrinates people with this attitude from the time they are young. Through our experiences, through our families and through media and entertainment we are implicitly taught that since no one else has your best interests in mind, you must seek your own good and ensure your well-being at all costs. You must think of yourself before others. Your interests come before anyone else's. As such, in every area of life you must be on guard against those who would use you for their own gain, and ensure that your own well-being comes first. This consumeristic mindset is even taken into relationships. Whether in marriages, in dating relationships, or in one-night stands, this is the predominant attitude of the people in our culture. Each person is seeking their own interests, above that of their partner. The critical questions are, "What am I getting out of this relationship?" "Am I happy?" "Is this relationship working for me?" If the answers ever seem dissatisfactory, then the relationship quickly dissolves, and both partners continue seeking their own best interests in other relationships. Their first priority is personal gain, and the metric of that is primarily happiness. This is a solipsistic and selfish approach to relationships.

The second approach to relationship is a collectivistic approach. In this mindset, a person is not solely concerned with their own interests and well-being, but is simultaneously concerned with the well-being and interests of their partner. This mindset is radically different since it leads each person to care about other people. While it doesn't neglect self-interest, a collectivistic mindset is primarily others-centric. Through deference and mutual submission each person choses to seek the benefit of the other. This is a strongly counter-cultural attitude. It requires self-sacrifice, genuine commitment and trust from both partners in order to work at all. Such an attitude is the one preached by Christianity. In the words of Paul, "Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others." (Phillipians 2:4) Jesus, too, preaches about the centrality of self-sacrificial love towards both God and other people. "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." (John 13:34) That is a high calling! As witnessed in Jesus' own life, His love was what compelled Him to sacrifice His life that the world might be saved. Jesus commands His followers to live with a similar love for others. Paul extends this command to romantic relationships when he writes, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her." (Ephesians 5:25) Here, Paul commands all men to have a self-sacrificial love for their wives. A collectivistic approach to relationships, in which both partners view themselves not solely as individuals, but as part of a unified whole, demands that both husbands and wives love each other, and that wives are to submit to their husbands. When this rare attitude does exist bilaterally in a relationship there is a remarkable and beautiful unity which is evident. As both partners primarily seek joint happiness and mutual benefit, they are able to support each other, encourage each other and grow together. The archaic adage of a chain being as strong as its weakest link accurately describes such a union. To the degree that there is mutual love, respect and sacrifice, the two are stronger together. To the degree that such an attitude is lacking from either partner, the union, and both people individually, are that much weaker. A team-minded approach towards relationships is the attitude that God desires all people to have. It is the cure to the social disease of individualism that plagues our generation.

The lack of a self-sacrificial and submissive love is what is decried by many of my fellow bloggers. My criticism is that there are many such men who behave exactly like the women whom they judge. It might be true that today's women are the more solipsistic sex. Yet, when men embrace the same mindset in their approach to relationships, they do not see the cognitive dissonance between their words and their actions. Many of the men who complain that women are too self-centered, self-seeking and self-absorbed proceed to develop the very same traits in themselves. Nowhere is this seen more clearly than in the philandering lifestyles of several major practitioners of Game. They sleep with one woman after another, and quickly leave them in pursuit of hotter women, more excitement or for the thrill of the chase. Rather than seeking to find a woman of character who is selfless and committed and rather than standing against the current social tide, such men have hopped into the river and become one with the polluted paradigmatic currents.

To those who recognize the social maladies of individualism and the consumeristic mindset towards relationships and actively oppose such thinking by speaking out against it and living a life that is an example of the self-sacrificial love which cures such an affliction, I strongly support and heartily endorse your efforts. To those who recognize the flawed thinking of our age but stand aside and do nothing, I urge you to question your motives and your resolve. If our world is to be changed, we must believe that change is possible, hold a clear vision for what can be, and boldly take action to remake the world according to such a vision. To those who decry the solipsism and individualism of the opposite gender, whilst living with a self-absorbed and solely self-interested mindset, I am disgusted by your hypocrisy. The solipsism of modern women neither justifies nor excuses such behavior in men. Similarly, the selfishness of modern men does not justify or excuse such behavior in women. Beware lest you become like those you judge!

As for me, I have a vision for the way the world should be. Jesus' words and teachings describe the sort of world I seek to create, and the sort of behavior I seek to model and encourage. Even if all around me are utterly consumed in self-absorption, yet will I uphold the model of collectivism, which cannot be accurately conflated with either altruism or individualism. Rather than being solely self-seeking, or living solely for the good of others, I follow the teachings of Jesus Christ who preached loving one's neighbor while loving oneself. Collectivism seeks mutual benefit in relationship. This requires humility, graciousness, patience and a self-sacrificial, committed love. It also requires self-respect, independence and assertiveness. I will not be a timid pessimist who believes that victory is unattainable and therefore unworth pursuing. Resignation is not befitting a man of courage. Nor will I be a blind optimist, who lives in denial of the pervasive cultural degradation. A clear vision of both and the problem and the solution are necessary for real reform to occur. I take my stand against selfishness, individualism, and the hedonic pursuits of those who set forth their own happiness as the highest aim in life. Edmund Burke wisely noted, "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil, is for good men to do nothing." Come alongside me and fight against the social entropy by embracing my vision and working towards it!

Three Game Mindsets

Fundamentally, there are three different paths that can be taken, in the area of romantic relationships. This is true of all people, whether simple or wise, brilliant or clueless, well-versed in Game Theory or utterly unaware, whether single or married, whether religious or agnostic and whether male or female. Each path offers various ways to reach each goal, although some are more effective and intentional than others. Game Theory, in so much as it offers truth about the male and female natures, the present sexual and relational markets, and practical strategies for both men and women to maximize their attractiveness, is valuable for all people to know and it is practically useful for people who seek relationships. Fundamentally, the three mindsets towards romantic relationships are: a long-term centric relational mindset, a short-term centric relational mindset and a romantic-avoidance mindset. I will briefly explain what each of these fundamental approaches is, what matters most to the sort of person in each group, and mention several well-known internet writers who operate according to such mindsets.

Long-Term Relationship Game
People in this category are seeking deep, rich, fulfilling lasting relationships with a person of the opposite sex. In their quest for love, they seek out a potential mate who is a high-quality person all-around, and not merely sexually attractive. The centrality of developing and enjoying a holistic relationship with a real person is at the forefront of an LTR-centric person. Such a person recognizes that communication, dedication, sacrifice and hard-work are needed to develop a rich and fulfilling relationship, and is willing to work towards that goal. While many men have varying success in long-term relationships and marriages, a man who effectively applies Game Theory in his relationship, by being a strong leader, embodying masculine character traits, and being in a relationship with a high-quality woman, will consistently reap the benefits of a strong and satisfying relationship.

There are a few prominent Gamers who focuses their energies on developing lasting relationships and benefitting others. Dave In Hawaii, Obsidian, Cless Alvein, and Alkibiades are fairly well-known ones who spring to mind.

Short-Term Relationship Game
People in this category are primarily seeking casual sexual relationships, either for just a single night, or for a period of several weeks, months or years. These sorts of people are looking for physical chemistry, sexual attraction, excitement, amazing sexual encounters and sometimes variety in partners. The character and personality of potential mates is not especially important to the Short-Term Gamer, since all relationships are intended to be fairly short, and all partners are completely fungible. Concerning self-development, men who seek short-term relationships work to maximize the effectiveness of their Game by practicing sparking attraction as quickly as possible. Women who seek short-term relationships try to maximize their raw sexual appeal and appear as physically attractive as possible. The Sexual Market, which consists of all people seeking casual sexual relationships, is an extremely competitive and cutthroat market, where generally the best men are extremely successful, and those with only moderate Game reap substantially less gratifying results. The objectifying nature of the worldview that necessarily comes with an emphasis on casual sex often leads such people to assign numerical values to the sexual attractiveness of a person. Here is Roissy's Sexual Market Value test for men and for women.

Of the three categories of Gamers, most of the best known and most popular ones are Short-Term Gamers, who seek casual sexual relationships and primarily pursue personal pleasure in relationships. Roissy, Roosh, Tyler Durden, Talleyrand and Krauser are prime examples of people with this mindset.

Romantic Relationship Avoidance
People in this category have decided that, either permanently or just for a period of time, they do not want to pursue any sort of romantic relationship. This does not include people who want to be in a relationship or desire sex but are unable to attract a suitable partner. Instead, this only includes people who voluntarily and intentionally have chosen not to pursue romantic relationships. There are many various motivations for such a lifestyle choice. For some, they choose not to pursue relationships because they value their freedom and independence too much to be willing include someone else in their world. For some, they renounce romantic relationships for the sake of a higher cause, frequently a religious one. For some, they are sufficiently dissatisfied with the present selection of people in the dating market (Relationship Market and/or Sexual Market), and therefore they have decided that pursuing relationships simply isn't a worthwhile use of time. Besides these three, I'm certain that there are many other motivations for adopting a relationship avoidance strategy.

While this is a relationship mindset, in one sense is an anti-mindset of sorts. The sorts of people who intentionally aren't pursuing romantic relationships also are the sort of people who either write about other things, or who don't state their relational stance publicly. As such, there is no one that I can conclusively link to as holding this mindset. I can however, link to some prominent people who write some excellent commentary on the current state of the dating realm. Novaseeker, Anakin Niceguy, and Snark are some who spring to mind as offering solid social commentary without strongly showing an inclination towards either Long-Term Game or Short-Term Game.

Realizations: Comfort-Building

Experience itself is always the best teacher. Talking and reading about certain aspects of life only gets you so far. All the most important and pertinent insights strike you when you're actually living life. Just this week I had a somewhat unexpected realization. A lot of the writing and discussion of Game centers around relationship formation. In his book, The Mystery Method, Mystery calls the three critical phases of relationship formation the attraction phase, the comfort phase and the seduction phase. The attraction phase commences when boy meets girl, or in some cases, when a guy and girl begin to view each other as possible romantic interests. If at least a minimal amount of attraction is established, the comfort phase begins. At this point, both parties are already at least mildly interested in each other and at least somewhat attracted to each other. The comfort phase constitutes of everything that happens after two-way attraction is established and before either a formal relationship is established (LTR) or sexual relations commence.

In many ways, the comfort phase is a multi-dimensional sort of thing. Though an initial attraction has been established, for anything to occur between two people, there has to be more than just attraction. There needs to be connection. When you are first interacting with someone, and even sometimes after a date or two, your date still seems like a stranger. You may be good at reading people and you may know what sort of a person she is, but you still don't quite know her. Similarly, while she may know a little bit about you, she really doesn't know very much about you at all. This is especially true if you maintain a slightly mysterious persona during the attraction phase. In truth, there's nothing especially magical or mysterious about the comfort phase. It's as simple as starting to get to know one another and beginning to interact with each other in different contexts and in different locations. Until this week, I always thought that the main goal of the comfort phase was to make her feel more comfortable around me. And that's true. But that's only half of it.

The other crucial part of the comfort phase is for you to feel more comforable around her. It's a very different thing than just feeling generally comfortable, or socially comfortable. You can feel socially comfortable, and happily mingle in a social group, and yet that still doesn't mean that you feel individually comfortable with each person in the group. Similarly, if you're a confident and well-adapted person, you may feel reasonably comfortable in different situations and settings, even with unusual ones. But that's not the same as feeling comfortable with a person. It's different. And that's what struck me as surprising and unexpected. While anxiety and nervousness around new girls can be squelched with a little effort, being comfortable is something more than just not feeling nervous. Comfort is the antithesis of anxiety. Anxiety is felt because of dealing with the unfamiliar. Comfort is felt when you are with a person who is familiar. The more familiar a person is and the more emotionally safe a person seems, the more comfortable you naturally feel around them. So, while part of the comfort phase is for her to become more comfortable around you, it is an equally vital part of the comfort phase for you to become more comfortable around her. Both halves of it are necessary.

The nice thing about comfort building is that if everything is going well, you become more comfortable more quickly. It's a snowball effect. The first bit of comfort is the most difficult. From there on it gets much easier to become more comfortable with each other. It works that way because the more comfortable you feel, the more positive your emotional state is, the more you feel free to say what's on your mind and the easier it is to relax and enjoy whatever you're doing. Additionally, not only do you being to feel more comfortable, but your emotional state is subconsciously communicated to your date, and she can sense that you feel more comfortable, which causes her to feel more comfortable as well. Comfort is both a self-reinforcing feeling and a socially-reinforcing feeling. The challenge is just to start things off well. From that point, the momentum keeps things going with hardly any effort.

While it's nice to know that a girl I'm with is feeling more comfortable being around me, it's even nicer when I start to feel more comfortable around her. The more comfortable I am, the more fun I have. It's a beautiful self-perpetuating, self-reinforcing, socially-contagious cycle. In any case, I have come to the realization that the comfort phase is as much for me as it is for her. Becoming more comfortable with each other is a necessary and rewarding experience. Being comfortable around each other is an essential prelude to any sort of deeper enjoyment of each other.

Inner Game Traits: Indifference

In response to my last blog, Thoughts On Inner Game, one commenter remarked that even though it might be useful for me to integrate the other six main fundamentals of game into my life, that perhaps, since I am a high-quality guy, indifference would not be a trait worth cultivating. A year ago, I might have agreed with him. However, I think the reason he doesn't think indifference would serve me well is not that he misunderstands me or my aims, but simply that he misunderstands the concept of the form of indifference being advocated by proponents of Game.

Admittedly, if pure indifference were being set forth as an ideal for men to aspire to, I would probably oppose it. But, what is being postulated is not a pure form of indifference or apathy; instead, it is a selective indifference with a focus on long-term consequences and meaning rather than short-term feelings and experiences. It is a selective indifference that results in greater emotional stability and a groundedness that serves as an effective foundation for rational decision-making, even in the midst of difficult situations or transitory emotional turbulence.

As such, the quality of selective indifference primarily emphasizes two things. First, selective indifference is a general indifference towards any particular girl or relationship. Secondly, selective indifference is a general indifference towards a girl's present emotional state. This means that sometimes you can allow yourself to care about her emotional state or the status of your relationship with her, but that such considerations should be the exception, rather than the rule. Next, I will expand on each type of indifference and explain the value of selective indifference in boosting male attractiveness.

The first type of selective indifference that is crucial is a general indifference towards any particular girl or relationship. It doesn't matter whether you're meeting a new girl, in a long-term relationship or married, it is crucial to have a perspective that is bigger than the relationship. Practically, this means a couple of different things. Above all, it means that your life is bigger than her. You don't need her in you life since you already live a full, fun and independent life. If she breaks up with you or divorces you tomorrow, your life will not be shattered since you have your own friends, your own interests, your own values, your own life goals, your own spiritual foundation and your own hobbies. A woman never wants to be the center of man's life. She wants to join him, get wrapped up in his world and accompany him on his journey through life. She wants to be part of his life; she doesn't want to be his life.

Additionally, selective indifference towards a particular girl or relationship means that not only do you have a life that is much bigger than her, you also are not especially concerned with losing her. Since you are a high-quality man, you are attractive to many women, and if she decides to be foolish enough to end the relationship, it isn't a big deal, because you can easily find a better woman who wants to be with you. Since you don't need her for your life to have meaning, and you don't need her to have relational success, you aren't dependent on her in any way. I would also like to point out that being indifferent to losing her is not the same as being indifferent to having her in your life. While you are happy and thankful that she is in your life, you are not fearful of losing her. While you enjoy her presence, you also aren't bothered, bored or unhappy when she isn't with you. This sort of indifference synergizes with the traits of independence and confidence. The fact that you don't need her sets up a framework for gratitude. If she is enhancing your life, then you will feel thankful and glad. If she is bringing you down, then you can simply end the relationship or spend more time doing your own thing until she fixes her behavior. The confidence that you exude from this sort of indifference makes you irresistible, and reminds her of what an exceptional and strong guy you are.

The second type of selective indifference that is crucial is a general indifference towards a girl's emotional state. While females primarily view the world and live their lives through emotional lenses, the male nature is radically different. Women tend to confuse their present emotional state with truth. When she doesn't feel loved, she completely believes that you don't love her. When she doesn't feel heard, then she believes that you're not listening. Whatever she feels, she views as truth. Men, typically, are not as emotion-centric. While we definitely feel emotions and make decisions based on emotions, men are always cognizant of the fact that life is bigger than emotions, and that actions are more important than feelings. If this fundamental difference between the male and female perspectives on life is not understood by both men and women, then conflict and communication problems are certain to arise. Alternately, if this difference is minimized by men becoming more feminized and emotion-centric, men lose the vital aspects of masculinity that women crave. A woman subconsciously longs for man who is in touch with his emotions, but who is also emotionally stable. A man who is completely out of touch with his emotions is inhuman, and therefore incapable of emotional connection, which women need. However, when a man is both in touch with his emotions and also in control of them, he possesses the inner strength necessary to stabilize her emotions and comfort her when she needs that. She knows that nothing she feels will be too much for him to handle. No matter what she is going through, he is capable of providing emotional solace since she knows that he isn't afraid of her feelings, won't be manipulated by her emotions, and won't lash out at her for expressing her emotions. That masculine emotional stability is something that women long for and need in a man. He must be able to be an emotional leader in the relationship.

However, selective indifference towards a girl's emotional state isn't just for her benefit. It's also crucial, as a man, to actually have complete emotional independence. To the degree that a man has control over himself, he also has influence over others and impact on the circumstances in his life. If your happiness is dependent on how your girl is feeling, then you are in for a wild ride. Girls' feelings change all the time, and you won't be able to be happy when she's tired, in a bad mood, upset about something, or PMSing. To give someone else so much control over your happiness is a certain recipe for disaster. Additionally, being in fear of a girl's emotional reaction will cause you to act in ways that are fear-based, apologetic and submissive. You can hardly be a leader worth following if you are constantly concerned with the possibility of your thoughts, actions or decisions upsetting her. Either you end up not doing things that would upset her, and lose an integral part of yourself in the process, or you adopt a submissive and groveling posture when she is upset by something you've done, which will cause her to lose respect for you. Internal emotional stability is a necessary trait for any man who wishes to attract a high-quality woman and build a solid relationship. Dave In Hawaii has written a brilliant post on the subject of relationship dynamics, and how it is vital for a man to establish his own emotional frame and not be subject to the capricious nature of the female emotional roller-coaster ride. This second type of selective indifference synergizes well with both calmness and assertiveness.

I believe that these two types of selective indifference and two aspects of each are valuable traits for any man to incorporate into his life. While a man is certainly free to concern himself with the present status of a relationship or with a woman's emotional state, the typically stance he should adopt towards both is one of indifference. Having a well-rounded life with numerous central pillars ensures that nothing major will collapse, even if a relationship with a particular girl ends. Women are attracted to men who have full, purposeful and connected lives. Having confidence in one's own relational skills and ability to attract and sustain quality relationships is another foundational aspect of independence. The confidence and security that a man has in both of these areas of life are very attractive to a woman, since she wants to be with someone who lives well and who doesn't depend on her for strength or security--she wants to look to him to provide those things. Emotional stability and groundedness are vital for a man to make good decisions and be a strong leader. A woman will always feel safe and emotionally cared for if she knows that her man will be completely unfazed by her emotional state. Additionally, for a man to be himself, he must take ownership of his thoughts, opinions, values, beliefs and actions. He should always have a mindset that ensures he is living his best life at all times, and never waver or buckle under social pressure, stress or fear. A woman will have great respect for a man who is confident, bold and unapologetic about the way he lives. She will rightly view him as a strong leader, and will feel confident that she can follow his lead and trust his instincts.

As you can see, selective indifference, properly understood, is an invaluable trait for any man to possess. The direct benefits to a man's life are both numerous and extensive. Additionally, being more attractive to women is an indirect benefit of living the kind of life that gives you confidence, emotional stability, assertiveness and security, which are all necessary to adopt a true posture of healthy selective indifference. Because of your lack of neediness, you are in a position to attract a high-quality woman and enjoy her, without becoming dependent on her. Though indifference is an easily misunderstood trait, when properly understood, it is clearly a valuable and indispensible one for all men to strive for. It is a crucial part of inner game.

Thoughts On Inner Game

Being a young adult, I often find my thoughts turning to the subject of dating. What makes for a great date? How can you present an honest and genuine, yet interesting and attractive image of yourself when meeting a girl, or taking her on a first or second date? What perspectives lead to the best possible results, both objectively and subjectively? While my thoughts are far from being highly refined, over the past couple of days I was struck with several simple insights.

My first major realization is that the external trappings of a date or interaction aren't especially important. They do matter, but only indirectly. Recently, a friend of mine went on a date with a girl that he was interested in, and a day after the date I asked him how it went. He said that they had gone to some fun places, and that the conversation was okay, but he really wasn't feeling the chemistry. Since the chemistry was completely absent, he told me in no uncertain terms that he wasn't going to go out with the girl anymore. He didn't want to date her. Ironically, a couple weeks later things completely changed and now he is ridiculously head over heels for her. Regardless of what happens with that relationship, I was just reminded that the trappings of a date aren't of final importance. On that first date they did a bunch of fun things, but afterwards my friend didn't want to see her again. It's all about the "chemistry." Such a term always seems to convey some sort of nebulous and mystical factor that is a necessary part of romantic connection. But, the importance of chemistry makes perfect sense when you fully understand both male and female natures.

The necessary implication of this realization is simply a recognition that Inner Game is the most critical determinate of how well your dates will go. What is Inner Game? Several people in the blogosphere have taken a stab at defining Game, and I think that Ferdinand Bardamu has come up with the most succinct and clear definition of Game. In his post, Ferdinand summarizes the seven principles that are most critical determinants of male attractiveness: assertiveness, calmness, confidence, independence, indifference, presentability, and sociability. In trying to hone my game, I've begun setting specific goals for myself before dates, to help me focus on the things that are most important for me to remember. Here are some rules/mindsets that I've set for myself recently, presented in no particular order:

1. Be Relaxed and Calm
Whether meeting a new girl, or going on a date with a girl I barely know, there's always a temptation to be worried about the interaction and how it's going. This self-inflicted anxiety is the most deadly thing possible. Feeling worried about an interaction turns the the interaction into a high-stress situation, which not only keeps me from enjoying some playful chatting, but also is subconsciously communicated to the girl. The calmer I am, the more I enjoy myself, and, in turn, the more the girl enjoys the interaction.

2. If I'm Having Fun, Then She's Having Fun
If I catch myself thinking about whether my date is enjoying herself or not, I have the wrong mindset. The most important goal of a date is to enjoy myself. If I am enjoying myself, then 95% of the time, she is also enjoying herself. There are two reasons for this. First of all, since happy people are more fun to be around, and since emotions are self-reinforcing, whenever I am enjoying myself I am more energetic, more creative, wittier and more humorous. So, whenever I am having fun, I am more fun to be around. Since I'm enjoying myself, she will automatically be having a much better time than she would if I'm not as fun to be around. Secondly, since women are naturally empathic, they cannot help but be directly affected by the emotional state of others. Emotions are contagious. For that reason, when she is with me, if I am enjoying myself, then not only does she enjoy my presence more, but she also feels internally happier, on a completely subconscious level.

3. Plan Dates That I Enjoy
Because of the previous rule, whenever I'm planning a date, I always make sure that everything that happens on a date is something that I want to do. I'll take her to places that I like to go, eat at restaurants that I really love, give her drinks that I really like and generally do things that I love doing. If it's something that I would only consider doing because it's a date, I cross it off the list of possibilities right away. If it's something that I would be perfectly happy to do with my best friend or by myself, then it's a winner. Therefore, any date plan I make will only include venues and activities that I really enjoy. It's always a surefire winner! Besides, if for some odd reason a girl doesn't like any of the places or activities on the date, then I already know that we're unlikely to be compatible. It's nice to find that out up front.

4. Touch Her More
As much as I love giving and receiving affection, I'm also very shy about touching people that I don't know very well. Neither of my parents are affectionate people, so touching people beyond hugs and handshakes has always forced me far out of my comfort zone. Given the importance of physical touch both for building comfort and signaling attraction, this is one thing that I've been putting major effort into. Thankfully, I'm starting to become more comfortable touching my friends, my family and girls that I'm interested in. Eventually it will become second nature; until then, I'll have to consciously focus on touching my date more.

5. Be Interesting and Fun
As a person, I am quite fun to be around and I always have plenty to talk about. However, whenever I have the wrong mindset or priorities, often my date doesn't have the opportunity to see those sides of me. Sometimes I come across as too intellectual. Sometimes I come across as socially awkward. But, whenever I stop concerning myself with whether my date is enjoying herself and what she thinks of me, then I am free to be my usual happy, hyperbolic, and humorous self. Being free to discuss whatever I happen to be thinking about and joke around the way I usually do means that I'm feeling relaxed enough to enjoy myself, and it also gives her a chance to see that I'm fun, interesting and verbally playful.

6. Central Date Focus: Do I Like This Girl?
The most important question of the date is, "Do I like this girl?" Is she fun to be around? Is she feminine? Is she a good conversationalist? Is she a spiritual person? Is she easy-going? Is she a warm and sweet person? Whether she likes me or not is only of secondary importance. That's because if I'm not very attracted to her, then it really doesn't matter how well the date went, nor how much she likes me. Also, women are attracted to men with standards and the very fact that I am sizing her up as a LTR-worthy girl makes me more attractive to her.

So far, these are the rules that I've set for myself to ensure that I keep the right mindset and improve my overall attractiveness. Inner Game is all about having the right internal attitudes and perspectives, which will always lead to better external results. Of the seven principles mentioned in Ferdinand's post, my rules definitely embody assertiveness, calmness, confidence, indifference and sociability. The only principle not included is presentability. That's one aspect of my game that doesn't need much work. We'll see what happens this month. After almost a year of not feeling ready for or desirous of a LTR, I'm feeling quite confident and excited about the prospect of finding an amazing woman and dating her.

On Social Tact: Handling Confrontation

Last night a couple of friends staged a little mini-intervention for me. They were concerned about certain lifestyle choices that they thought I was making. That part was cleared up quite quickly and easily since it was just a misunderstanding. In addition to that, they also let me know that something I did a couple of weeks ago really offended another friend of mine. Until they said something, I honestly had no idea that he was so offended. I have seen him quite a number of times since the incident, and not once did he say anything or convey that I had really offended him. To hear that he had an issue with me that he hadn't talked about really surprised me, since overall I view him as a very bold, assertive and direct sort of person. In fact, as I thought it more, I felt really angry that he hadn't said anything.

Let's be honest. Even in the best of relationships, occasionally tension comes between two people. Sometimes a person is offended by something their friend said or did. That's normal and natural. The question is, what is the best way to handle an offense? Fundamentally, there are three basic approaches to dealing with grudges. You can directly confront your friend about the issue, indirectly handle the problem through passive-aggressive behavior or gossiping, or avoid dealing with the issue completely.

In the case of minor irritations avoiding the issue might work, but with any serious offense or grudge, it is a horrible choice. Resentment builds internally and eventually will harm the relationship, lead to mental problems or result in an emotional blowup. Since all three of those are utterly undesirable, avoiding the issue is a horrible option. More specifically, it is an illusory option, since not dealing with things just means that they will be dealt with later in a much uglier way.

Directly confronting your friend is the scariest option, but also the most cathartic. The best way to handle confrontation is to be clear and direct about specifically what behavior bothered you and why. At the same time, the tone of the confrontation should be positive and non-condemning. In many cases, offenses are simply the result of miscommunication or misunderstanding and can be cleared up fairly painlessly. In other cases, an offense may have been a mistake, and a simple apology is all that is needed. In the rare case of a perpetual or serious issue, while the air may not be cleared immediately, at least everything is in the open and there are no mind games or misconceptions about the disharmony. Handling confrontation directly and in a positive manner is a scary option which takes a good amount of courage, but it also leads to the best results and the least emotional fallout or social collateral damage.

Indirectly handling the issue is the coward's way out. Engaging in passive-aggressive behaviors creates a major emotional rift in the relationship, which often causes more harm than the original offense. By expecting your friend to read your mind or just "know" something is wrong you refuse to take responsiblity for your own emotional state and for the condition of the relationship, placing the burden entirely on your friend's shoulders. Alternately, gossiping to other friends about the issue causes social damage and alienation. Eventually, when the gossip circle has completed its rounds, irreparable damage has been done, and the devastation far exceeds the original offense. At that point the direct confrontation will certainly be more heated and emotional than handling things directly up front would have been.

As such, I'm quite disappointed with my friend. He could have come to me directly and things would have been settled easily in five minutes time with a simple apology. But, instead of having the balls to tell me that something I had done bothered him, he chose to gossip about it and pretend that everything was okay between him and I, just because he was afraid that things would be "awkward" between us if he said anything. For most Americans, I would expect them to take the coward's route. As a nation, we are too passive and fearful to confront people openly and honestly, the way we should. In my friend's case I am surprised, because normally he seems quite courageous, assertive and masculine in his interactions. Hopefully, this was simply an odd abnormality. In any case, the next time I see him I will confront him directly about the issue and quickly clear things up. Directly handling confrontation is the most caring and courageous way to deal with things. Insipid mind games or destructive social gossip are both cowardly and wimpy ways to deal with offenses.

Heartless and Unreasonable

Sometimes I am truly shocked by the sort of behavior that people are allowed to get away with. Recently something happened to a friend that I consider completely heartless and unreasonable. In his own words:

So, I just got dumped by my girlfriend of two years... I'm really not sure why. I just got an email yesterday saying that 'she couldn't do this anymore' and that I'd better not be at the house when she got home. I have no idea what brought it on... we had some problems earlier on, but we hadn't really fought in like a month or two. It just seemed like she had her mind set on it not working, so she wouldn't let it... and things seemed really calm and normal between us. She left for work yesterday morning and told me she loved me as she did...

So, aside from the normal heartbreak of losing a serious lover of two years, there was also the latter part of them email. I had been living with her for over a year at this point, and since I apparently had no idea this was coming, that leaves me homeless. Like, very literally, I slept on an acquaintance's couch last night, and I have no idea where I'm going to be in a few hours from now or any following night. I lack any real close friends in Boston - she was pretty much my only one. So, it's not like I really have anywhere to turn.

So, here I am: heartbroken, friendless, and homeless.

There are two major things wrong with this. First of all, the breakup itself sounds completely ludicrous and unwarranted. As with most breakups, it was female-instigated and apparently done for typical female reasons. By typical female reasons, I mean vague, undisclosed and trivial reasons typically accompanied with words such as, "Of course, I still love you, but..." "I can't do this," "We're just not compatible," or other similar vacuous phrases that convey nothing of truth or practical pertinence. While there might be some legitmate reasons for breakups, this instance does not seem to be such a case. Even supposing that there were legitimate cause for a breakup, this one is a textbook example of an immature breakup. It was instigated by e-mail, rather than in person, which is a sure sign of cowardice. There obviously has been some pre-breakup deception and/or lying on her part, otherwise there would be clear indicators of relational issues and she wouldn't have acted as if everything was alright in the morning, when it clearly wasn't. Additionally, if she really cared about him after dating for two years, then she would be willing to have a mature conversation regarding the reasons for the breakup, rather than offering vacuous phrases and leaving him completely confused and clueless about the whole ordeal. The breakup, even supposing that it might be warranted in some small measure, was clearly instigated in a cowardly, immature and deceptive manner. That is utterly reprehensible and should be socially unacceptable.

But, as horrible as that is, that's not the worst part. While it might possibly be understandable to breakup with someone on a capricious whim, and while perhaps there may be a few unique excuses for why a relatively mature person might behave in a immature and cowardly manner, for the second part of her behavior there can be no possible excuse. When people are living together, and when one or more of them is away from their hometown and natural support network, outside of extreme violence or majorly destructive behavior, there is no humane reason to forcibly evict someone who has done nothing wrong without warning. To kick someone out with zero warning is downright cruel, heartless and ruthless. She should be ashamed of herself!

But, given the moral depravity of today's society and the lack of even common decency, I'm sure that right now some of her girlfriends are consoling her and telling her that she did the right thing. If we, as a society, view this sort of behavior as a normal part of adolescence or as a morally neutral action that is simply part of the game of "love and war," then we are complicit in her actions. Personally, I believe there are moral and social lines that should not be crossed. I see this sort of behavior as outrageous and inhumane. While modern combat dating has conditioned people to behave like horrible people in order to achieve romantic success, people of integrity and character need to stand up against the tides of cruelty and dishonesty that permeate the dating world and refuse to accept or approve of any sort of behavior that is cowardly, immature or dishonest. As Cless Alvein insightfully writes, "In truth, the single most important aspect of being a great girlfriend is being a great friend, and more important to being a great friend is being a great person. Only if people are held accountable for their actions will they choose to behave honorably. We need to set high personal and moral standards and verbally stand against such atrocious behavior.

On Social Tact: Bluntness vs. Ambiguity

Recently, a friend was asking me for advice. He is a pretty amazing guy who happens to have a lot of friends who are girls. In this instance he wasn't feeling good about a particular friendship and decided that he wanted to end the friendship. In pondering the best way to end the friendship, he asked for my advice about how to handle it. There were two main objectives that he had: he wanted to be very clear in stating that he was not interested in continuing any sort of friendship, but he wanted to communicate it in a way that would be respectful and not leave her feeling hurt or rejected.

Of course, to me those seem to be mutually exclusive goals. If you want to be direct and convey that you no longer want to be friends with someone, it's virtually impossible to do that in a nice way. It's easy to add some true statements such as, "I think you're a really nice person", "You have a lot of great traits", or "It's not because I dislike you." However, all of these will come across as disingenuous. Whether you actually mean them or not, all the other person will hear is: "You don't meet my standards for friendship, so I don't want to have anything to do with you." Additionally, attempting to add any such qualifiers to your message will demonstrate lower social value, since they make your message less assertive and make you sound like more of a sycophant.

If you take any sort of direct route in your communication of a breakup (either in a friendship or a romantic relationship), there is virtually no way to prevent hurt feelings. If the other person was invested in the relationship, they will feel hurt. Period. The only choice you have is how you will be perceived in the interaction. Clear, assertive and unapologetic communication will convey strong leadership, social dominance and personal confidence. Mixed messages, excessive qualification or emotionally-catering communication will convey lack of a spine, lack of confidence and a subtext that you are looking for external validation. Which way would you rather be perceived? I'll take the strong and masculine way any day, even if it does border on insensitive.

Alternately, if you prefer to take a less confrontational and emotionally volatile approach, then an indirect route might be a better choice. This route takes less courage and emotional fortitude, but it does subject you to less negative interactions and lower the chances of more substantial fallout. Additionally, it has the bonus of plausible deniability. If you would rather not end a friendship directly, you can simply flake more often, cease to initiate interactions, and selectively ignore/avoid contact. If your friend tries to call you out on any of that, you can give any one of a thousand reasons for why you've been distant. Supposing you are a genuinely busy or social person, then your excuses will sound quite reasonable since they are completely true.

Anyway, no matter how you approach the dissolution of a friendship, there are no nice ways to go about it. It seems that handling things directly or indirectly are your only two options. The direct approach is virtually guaranteed to hurt your ex-friends feelings and self-esteem. Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe there are dozens of nice, positive, upliftings ways to say, "I don't ever want to see you again."

Women Are Romantically Irrational

There are some men who think that women are impossible to understand or comprehend. I am not one of those men. However, it makes sense to me why some would have that sentiment. Though women are comprehensible, they are typically romantically irrational. Though there is certainly nothing precluding them from acting and speaking rationally, this is not the status quo in modern America.

What exactly do I mean by irrational? Something that is rational is driven by logical thought and follows the ideal path as set forth by the intellect. Therefore, irrational behavior is anything that is inconsistent with logical, intellect-based living. More specifically, when I refer to the romantic irrationality I mean a few different things. First, a woman's stated romantic criteria often differs from her actual romantic criteria. Second, a woman's romantic interest and romantic pursuits are governed more by emotions, physical chemistry and subconscious psychological drives than by their rational criteria. Third, few women realize this discrepancy.

By irrational, I do not mean simply that women often make decisions primarily based on non-logical criteria. For example, supposing intellectual reasoning and emotional resonance lead to the same decision, there is nothing intrinsically irrational about making such a decision. However, when conscious thoughts and emotions lead in opposing directions, choosing to follow one's emotions even when it will result in a substantial loss or personal harm is irrational since the decision flies in the face of reason and logical behavior. A pattern of behavior is irrational if, when a woman is confronted with choices that causes her intellect and emotions to be divided, she consistently chooses to make choices based on emotion rather than intellect. In such a case, she is primarily governed by non-logical, non-rational urges. This is not something that is biologically hardwired into women, since scientific experiments have shown that men and women typically reach the same decisions when using pure logic and intellect. Since there is not a biological reason for irrational romantic behavior, irrationality is a choice.

Often in searching for a romantic partner, men and women have a list of qualities that they are looking for. However, for women, the type of man they are actually looking for and the sort of criteria they are actually seeking are quite different than the qualities that they say they are looking for and truly believe they are looking for. Examples of this are evident everywhere. I have no doubt that you know of some girl who has rejected a suitor or broken up with a boyfriend who nearly perfectly matches her stated criteria. Personally, I have been told, "You are exactly the sort of guy I'm looking for; I just don't love you that way." With said girl, I know for a fact that I met virtually all of her stated criteria. But, she wasn't looking for the sort of man she thought she was. Another common example of this irrational behavior is witnessed with girls who are in unhealthy relationships, but are unable or unwilling to leave. Recently, I was talking to a friend who was considering breaking up with her boyfriend. He is broke, selfish, alcoholic, slightly overweight and doesn't treat her considerately. All of her friends were urging her to dump him because of his parasitic effects on her life, but after a few days of deliberation she chose to stay with him and try to work things out. Her logical mind sees the obvious truth, but that is not what drives her to make the choices she does. These two examples are hardly rare.

Does this inner divide render women incomprehensible? Not at all. This practical divide does make interacting with women quite confusing. When you assume that women want what they say they want and you get an unexpected reaction, it leads you to question something. One might think that women are intentionally lying and being manipulative. Though true in some circumstances, this is generally not the case. Most women are quite convinced that what they think they want is what they actually want. Both men and women err when they think that a woman's mind is what drives her decisions and causes her to act. Once a woman's irrationality is taken as a given, she then becomes comprehensible.

Since a woman is romantically driven by emotions, physical chemistry and subconscious psychological drives, understanding these is key to understanding women. Understanding the thoughts that fuel emotions, physical conditions that affect emotions, and psychological drives that trigger attraction set a solid foundation for better interaction. Possessing the ability to discern the real meaning of a woman's words, rather than simply interpreting them literally, is also integral to developing and sustaining quality romantic relationships. Because of this, knowing how to listen for the deeper message in a statement or question is a vital skill to have. Learning to read the tonal variances and body language of a woman will provide much more insight into what she is thinking and feeling than her words ever will.

Is it a bad thing to be irrational? Not necessarily. Though foolish decisions are harmful to everyone involved, irrationality itself isn't always a harmful thing. In some ways, the very fact that women are emotional creatures who are more empathic, more nurturing and more driven by emotions than men makes them special and beautiful. Gender differences are meant to be enjoyed, valued and savored. When the romantic irrationality of women is not properly understand it will unswervingly lead to confusion and frustration. However, when people recognize that women do not primarily interact with the world on a logical, intellectual basis, then they are free to fully enjoy the best that women have to offer.