Thoughts On Inner Game

Being a young adult, I often find my thoughts turning to the subject of dating. What makes for a great date? How can you present an honest and genuine, yet interesting and attractive image of yourself when meeting a girl, or taking her on a first or second date? What perspectives lead to the best possible results, both objectively and subjectively? While my thoughts are far from being highly refined, over the past couple of days I was struck with several simple insights.

My first major realization is that the external trappings of a date or interaction aren't especially important. They do matter, but only indirectly. Recently, a friend of mine went on a date with a girl that he was interested in, and a day after the date I asked him how it went. He said that they had gone to some fun places, and that the conversation was okay, but he really wasn't feeling the chemistry. Since the chemistry was completely absent, he told me in no uncertain terms that he wasn't going to go out with the girl anymore. He didn't want to date her. Ironically, a couple weeks later things completely changed and now he is ridiculously head over heels for her. Regardless of what happens with that relationship, I was just reminded that the trappings of a date aren't of final importance. On that first date they did a bunch of fun things, but afterwards my friend didn't want to see her again. It's all about the "chemistry." Such a term always seems to convey some sort of nebulous and mystical factor that is a necessary part of romantic connection. But, the importance of chemistry makes perfect sense when you fully understand both male and female natures.

The necessary implication of this realization is simply a recognition that Inner Game is the most critical determinate of how well your dates will go. What is Inner Game? Several people in the blogosphere have taken a stab at defining Game, and I think that Ferdinand Bardamu has come up with the most succinct and clear definition of Game. In his post, Ferdinand summarizes the seven principles that are most critical determinants of male attractiveness: assertiveness, calmness, confidence, independence, indifference, presentability, and sociability. In trying to hone my game, I've begun setting specific goals for myself before dates, to help me focus on the things that are most important for me to remember. Here are some rules/mindsets that I've set for myself recently, presented in no particular order:

1. Be Relaxed and Calm
Whether meeting a new girl, or going on a date with a girl I barely know, there's always a temptation to be worried about the interaction and how it's going. This self-inflicted anxiety is the most deadly thing possible. Feeling worried about an interaction turns the the interaction into a high-stress situation, which not only keeps me from enjoying some playful chatting, but also is subconsciously communicated to the girl. The calmer I am, the more I enjoy myself, and, in turn, the more the girl enjoys the interaction.

2. If I'm Having Fun, Then She's Having Fun
If I catch myself thinking about whether my date is enjoying herself or not, I have the wrong mindset. The most important goal of a date is to enjoy myself. If I am enjoying myself, then 95% of the time, she is also enjoying herself. There are two reasons for this. First of all, since happy people are more fun to be around, and since emotions are self-reinforcing, whenever I am enjoying myself I am more energetic, more creative, wittier and more humorous. So, whenever I am having fun, I am more fun to be around. Since I'm enjoying myself, she will automatically be having a much better time than she would if I'm not as fun to be around. Secondly, since women are naturally empathic, they cannot help but be directly affected by the emotional state of others. Emotions are contagious. For that reason, when she is with me, if I am enjoying myself, then not only does she enjoy my presence more, but she also feels internally happier, on a completely subconscious level.

3. Plan Dates That I Enjoy
Because of the previous rule, whenever I'm planning a date, I always make sure that everything that happens on a date is something that I want to do. I'll take her to places that I like to go, eat at restaurants that I really love, give her drinks that I really like and generally do things that I love doing. If it's something that I would only consider doing because it's a date, I cross it off the list of possibilities right away. If it's something that I would be perfectly happy to do with my best friend or by myself, then it's a winner. Therefore, any date plan I make will only include venues and activities that I really enjoy. It's always a surefire winner! Besides, if for some odd reason a girl doesn't like any of the places or activities on the date, then I already know that we're unlikely to be compatible. It's nice to find that out up front.

4. Touch Her More
As much as I love giving and receiving affection, I'm also very shy about touching people that I don't know very well. Neither of my parents are affectionate people, so touching people beyond hugs and handshakes has always forced me far out of my comfort zone. Given the importance of physical touch both for building comfort and signaling attraction, this is one thing that I've been putting major effort into. Thankfully, I'm starting to become more comfortable touching my friends, my family and girls that I'm interested in. Eventually it will become second nature; until then, I'll have to consciously focus on touching my date more.

5. Be Interesting and Fun
As a person, I am quite fun to be around and I always have plenty to talk about. However, whenever I have the wrong mindset or priorities, often my date doesn't have the opportunity to see those sides of me. Sometimes I come across as too intellectual. Sometimes I come across as socially awkward. But, whenever I stop concerning myself with whether my date is enjoying herself and what she thinks of me, then I am free to be my usual happy, hyperbolic, and humorous self. Being free to discuss whatever I happen to be thinking about and joke around the way I usually do means that I'm feeling relaxed enough to enjoy myself, and it also gives her a chance to see that I'm fun, interesting and verbally playful.

6. Central Date Focus: Do I Like This Girl?
The most important question of the date is, "Do I like this girl?" Is she fun to be around? Is she feminine? Is she a good conversationalist? Is she a spiritual person? Is she easy-going? Is she a warm and sweet person? Whether she likes me or not is only of secondary importance. That's because if I'm not very attracted to her, then it really doesn't matter how well the date went, nor how much she likes me. Also, women are attracted to men with standards and the very fact that I am sizing her up as a LTR-worthy girl makes me more attractive to her.

So far, these are the rules that I've set for myself to ensure that I keep the right mindset and improve my overall attractiveness. Inner Game is all about having the right internal attitudes and perspectives, which will always lead to better external results. Of the seven principles mentioned in Ferdinand's post, my rules definitely embody assertiveness, calmness, confidence, indifference and sociability. The only principle not included is presentability. That's one aspect of my game that doesn't need much work. We'll see what happens this month. After almost a year of not feeling ready for or desirous of a LTR, I'm feeling quite confident and excited about the prospect of finding an amazing woman and dating her.