The Little Pineapple

Once there lived a little pineapple. He lived in an exotic land on a small plantation which was surrounded by towering trees and bushes of all sorts. The little pineapple was always well cared for and was about as happy as he could be. Every day he had plenty of time to lounge in the sun. Refreshing well water was brought to him every morning by a man wearing a large straw hat. He lived with many other pineapples, and every afternoon all the pineapples would talk amongst themselves about what life would be like once they were all fully grown. They would blissfully talk for hours about their future aspirations.

"I want to be juicy and yellow," remarked one pineapple. "I want to be the best-looking pineapple," remarked a nearly-grown pineapple. "I want to be tangy and delicious," declared another one. The little pineapple always happily joined in imagining the future with the other pineapples and gleefully cried, "I want to be tall and tasty!" All the pineapples would talk like this for hours until the sun finally began to set, at which point they would slowly begin to fall asleep, one by one. Every day of the week, they would do the same thing, and every morning when they awoke, each pineapple would find that he or she had grown a little bit larger and juicier.

One day, when the little pineapple and his friends were fully grown, a tall man with a shaggy grey beard came out and walked among the rows of pineapple plants. At each plant, he stooped down and examined the fruit. Some of the pineapples he plucked from the plant and gently placed in the large wicker basket that he was carrying. Others, he passed by and left them to grow a little longer. As the little pineapple watched the man slowly work up and down the rows, he couldn't help but think to himself, "I hope he picks me!" The man was finally in the same row as the little pineapple and moving slowly down the row. The little pineapple was filled with anticipation and excitement, increasingly so with each step the man took. Finally, the man knelt down by the little pineapple's plant and looked him over. Sure enough, the man plucked the little pineapple from his plant and placed him in the large wicker basket.

The little pineapple was overjoyed! He had never been chosen for anything before, but now a new exciting adventure was about to unfold! The pineapples in the basket began to talk amongst themselves in energetic, high-pitched voices. "I can't believe I was chosen!" "Who is that man?" "Where do you suppose we are going?" "What will happen to the others?" They talked so animatedly that the next few hours flew by and they were quite oblivious to whatever was happening outside the basket. When they pineapples had finally finished discussing their journey into the unknown, a couple of them looked around in time to see the man with the grey beard carrying them off of a strange moving platform and into a small building. They were put in a small windowless room and left alone. All of the pineapples felt quite worn out by this time, so they quickly drifted off to sleep.

In the morning, the pineapples were woken up earlier than usual by a burly bald fellow. He picked up the basket and took them out of the building. Carefully, the burly fellow reached into the basket and took out a pineapple. Then he grabbed another. The little pineapple was next. He was gingerly taken and placed in a crate that was leaning at an angle, along with his other pineapple friends. Beneath the crate was a little red sign with some letters and numbers on it. All around the crate were numerous other crates and boxes with all sorts of other unusual fruits. Once the burly fellow had finished placing all the pineapples in their new crate, he took the empty wicker basket and left. The little pineapple looked around him at all the neighboring fruits and said, "I'm a pineapple, what are you?" Each fruit responded differently. A long, yellow one said, "I'm a banana." A bright green one said, "I'm an apple." A tiny, purple one said, "I'm a grape." A round, orange one said, "I'm an orange." Each of the other fruits also responded in kind. The little pineapple was surprised and delighted! He never knew that there were so many different sorts of fruit.

"What is this place?" the little pineapple asked, to no one in particular. A huge, striped, green watermelon who looked like he had been there some time replied, "This is a fruit stand. People come here and look us over. They buy whichever fruits they like best." All of the pineapples were quite excited by such a possibility. "I'm sure I'll be chosen quickly, since I'm so yellow and juicy," said one of the pineapples. "They're going to choose me first, since I'm the best-looking pineapple" said another of the pineapples. Still another happily cried, "I may not be the first chosen, but I will delight whoever chooses me, since I'm so tangy and delicious." Finally, the little pineapple (who wasn't quite so little anymore) cried, "They will be sure to choose me, since I am so tall and tasty."

And so it was, not long after the sun arose, that people began to visit the fruit stand. Some people bought a bunch of bananas. Others bought some apples. Some people moved from crate to crate and selected a few different fruits. One woman came over to the pineapples and began to look through them. All of the pineapples were excited! After examining a couple of them she took the particularly good-looking one and left. "I could be next," thought the little pineapple. As the day went on, many people came and went and numerous fruits were purchased. Two more pineapples were selected from the crate, but the little pineapple wasn't one of them. By this point, the little pineapple wasn't feeling quite as excited about this whole affair. He began to say to himself things like, "Maybe being tall and tasty isn't what I should be aiming for," and "Maybe I don't really want to be a pineapple." In the late afternoon, a few more people came by the fruit stand and bought other fruits, but then no-one else came to the fruit stand. Finally, as the sun began to set, the burly fellow came out with a large blue thing and placed it across all the crates of fruit.

The little pineapple wasn't ready to go to sleep yet and so he talked with one of the apples for a bit. The apple, who had come from a far away place by boat, regaled the little pineapple with all sorts of stories about fascinating lands and odd creatures. One sort of creature that the apple mentioned especially interested the little pineapple. The apple told him about a strange creature called a "kangaroo" that was tall, yellow and liked to hop a lot. Filled with curiosity, the little pineapple wanted to know more about this kangaroo. "I haven't actually seen one before, but I've heard that they have pointy ears, and some of them have pouches in front, to carry little kangaroos," continued the apple. After talking together for a while longer, both the apple and the little pineapple fell asleep.

When morning came, the little pineapple woke up before any of the other fruits, and thought to himself, "Maybe I want to be more like a kangaroo. I'm already tall and yellow, so I just need to learn to hop." However, the little pineapple wasn't completely convinced that it was a good idea to try to be kangaroo. The little pineapple wanted to know what the other pineapples would say about his newfound aspiration. When the burly fellow came and removed the big blue thing that was covering the crates of fruit, several of the other pineapples woke up. Unsure of himself, the little pineapple hesitantly said to the others, "I have decided that I want to be a kangaroo." While a day ago, all of the pineapples were quite happy to be pineapples, now some of them weren't quite so enthused about being pineapples. One of the pineapples, who now felt wiser and more intelligent than he had ever felt before replied, "Well, you can be whatever you want to be." Another pineapple chimed in, "If that's what makes you happy, then go for it." Still another said, "You're free to do as you please."

Now the little pineapple felt that he was on the right track. "Today," he thought, "I am going to try my best to be like a kangaroo." Soon, people started to come by the fruit stand. A bunch of them bought some of the newly-arrived grapes. Several people picked out peaches and bananas. As a young man passed by the crate of pineapples, the little pineapple thought to himself, "Now is my chance to get noticed." With that thought in his mind, he steeled himself and tried to hop. To his dismay, he wasn't able to move much at all. The young man passed by the pineapples without even giving them a second glance. A little bit later a mother with two little children came over to the pineapples. The little pineapple mustered his energy and tried to hop again. Success! He managed to hop a couple of inches into the air, just far enough to fall off the crate. For less than a second (though it seemed much longer), the little pineapple felt the strangest sensation and then, with a dull thump, he hit the ground. Although he didn't feel nearly as well as he wanted, the little pineapple thought to himself, "There! Now that I've managed to hop, I'm certain I'll be picked." But the mother, thinking that one of her children had knocked the pineapple onto the ground, hurriedly put the little pineapple back in the crate, said some words to her child which I won't repeat, and hastily grabbed another pineapple before scurrying away from the crate.

Though the little pineapple had managed to accomplish his goal of being more like a kangaroo, his tumble had an unexpected side effect. Now, there was a big brown bruise on his side. Throughout the remainer of the day, people came and went, and a few more of them bought pineapples. A couple of the people even picked up the little pineapple and examined him. But, upon seeing the bruise on his side, they quickly put him back in the crate and chose another pineapple instead. By the end of the day, over half of the pineapples were gone, and the little pineapple still hadn't been chosen yet. When the fruit stand closed in the evening, the little pineapple was feeling quite discouraged and disappointed. He asked the other pineapples, "Why has nobody chosen me?" But the other pineapples were too timid to have opinions of their own, so they just said things like, "That's just how it goes," "Maybe you'll be chosen tomorrow," and "Someone will be sure to want you." None of these answers were especially helpful, so the unhappy little pineapple asked the apple, "I acted just like a kangaroo today, I even hopped, and yet nobody chose me. Why?" But, the apple was reminded of another story from his past, and began to launch into tale after tale which were completely unrelated to the little pineapple's question. Frustrated and feeling quite alone, the little pineapple spend quite a while trying to figure it out by himself, before falling asleep from exhaustion.

Through the next few days, the little pineapple gave up the idea of trying to hop, and just sat there hoping that someone would recognize that he was still a perfectly good and delicious pineapple. Eventually, all of the other pineapples had been chosen by various people, and yet the little pineapple remained in the crate. Because of the brown bruise on his side, no-one seemed willing to take him home. A couple of days later, when the burly fellow brought another basket full of pineapples and put them in the crate, he also took the little pineapple and put a bright orange thing on him. The bright orange thing had some strange black markings on it, which the little pineapple could not figure out. Because he had the orange thing on him, more people examined the little pineapple, but still there was nobody who chose the little pineapple. With each passing day, the little pineapple became more depressed and discouraged, and with each passing day he looked a bit less lively and yellow. After several more days, the burly fellow took the little pineapple and placed him in a huge rectangular metal thing, which was dark and smelly. There the little pineapple thought of all his other pineapple friends, and he missed them. He imagined them all being happily enjoyed by the people who had chosen them. His last thoughts were, "Oh, how I wish I had been content to be a pineapple, rather than trying to be a kangaroo!" So, the black lid was placed over the top of the huge rectangular thing, and the little pineapple was never seen or heard from again.

Fairy Tales and the Dangers of Hypergamy

The other night I was relaxing at a coffeeshop, drinking some tea and reading some fairy tales. Currently, I've been making my way through Grimm's Fairy Tales, a collection of popular Germanic tales which was originally published in 1812. One of the tales that I read really struck me with the applicability of its truth to the modern audience. It is a tale of the dangers of female hypergamy when combined with arrogance. It is a tale of the effectiveness of Game in opening the eyes of a woman to a more accurate assessment of herself. It is a tale of the effectiveness of patriarchy in curbing the harmful excesses of women blindly following their hypergamous instinct. Without further ado, I offer you the story of King Thrushbeard:

King Thrushbeard

A King had a daughter who was beautiful beyond all measure, but so proud and haughty withal that no suitor was good enough for her. She sent away one after the other, and ridiculed them as well.

Once the King made a great feast and invited thereto, from far and near, all the young men likely to marry. They were all marshalled in a row according to their rank and standing; first came the kings, then the grand-dukes, then the princes, the earls, the barons, and the gentry. Then the King's daughter was led through the ranks, but to every one she had some objection to make; one was too fat, "The wine-cask," she said. Another was too tall, "Long and thin has little in." The third was too short, "Short and thick is never quick." The fourth was too pale, "As pale as death." The fifth too red, "A fighting-cock." The sixth was not straight enough, "A green log dried behind the stove."

So she had something to say against every one, but she made herself especially merry over a good king who stood quite high up in the row, and whose chin had grown a little crooked. "Well," she cried and laughed, "he has a chin like a thrush's beak!" and from that time he got the name of King Thrushbeard.

But the old King, when he saw that his daugher did nothing but mock the people, and despised all the suitors who were gathered there, was very angry, and swore that she should have for her husband the very first beggar that came to his doors.

A few days afterwards a fiddler came and sang beneath the windows, trying to earn a small alms. When the King heard him he said, "Let him come up." So the fiddler came in, in his dirty, ragged clothes, and sang before the King and his daughter, and when he had ended he asked for a trifling gift. The King said, "Your song has pleased me so well that I will give you my daughter there, to wife."

The King's daughter shuddered, but the King said, "I have taken an oath to give you to the very first beggar-man, and I will keep it." All she could say was in vain; the priest was brought, and she had to let herself be wedded to the fiddler on the spot. When that was done the King said, "Now it is not proper for you, a beggar-woman, to stay any longer in my palace, you may just go away with your husband."

The beggar-man led her out by the hand, and she was obliged to walk away on foot with him. When they came to a large forest she asked, "To whom does that beautiful forest belong?" "It belongs to King Thrushbeard; if you had taken him, it would have been yours." "Ah, unhappy girl that I am, if I had but taken King Thrushbeard!"

Afterwards they came to a meadow, and she asked again, "To whom does this beautiful green meadow belong?" "It belongs to King Thrushbeard; if you had taken him, it would have been yours." "Ah, unhappy girl that I am, if I had but taken King Thrushbeard!"

Then they came to a large town, and she asked again, "To whom does this fine large town belong?" "It belongs to King Thrushbeard; if you had taken him, it would have been yours." "Ah, unhappy girl that I am, if I had but taken King Thrushbeard!"

"It does not please me," said the fiddler, "to hear you always wishing for another husband; am I not good enough for you?" At last they came to a very little hut, and she said, "Oh goodness! what a small house; to whom does this miserable, mean hovel belong?" The fiddler answered, "That is my house and yours, where we shall live together."

She had to stoop in order to go in at the low door. "Where are the servants?" said the King's daughter. "What servants?" answered the beggar-man; "you must yourself do what you wish to have done. Just make a fire at once, and set on water to cook my supper, I am quite tired." But the King's daughter knew nothing about lighting fires or cooking, and the beggar-man had to lend a hand himself to get anything fairly done. When they had finished their scanty meal they went to bed; but he forced her to get up quite early in the morning in order to look after the house.

For a few days they lived in this way as well as might be, and came to the end of all their provisions. Then the man said, "Wife, we cannot go on any longer eating and drinking here and earning nothing. You weave baskets." He went out, cut some willows, and brought them home. Then she began to weave, but the tough willows wounded her delicate hands.

"I see that this will not do," said the man; "you had better spin, perhaps you can do that better." She sat down and tried to spin, but the hard thread soon cut her soft fingers so that the blood ran down. "See," said the man, "you are fit for no sort of work; I have made a bad bargain with you. Now I will try to make a business with pots and earthenware; you must sit in the market-place and sell the ware." "Alas," thought she, "if any of the people from my father's kingdom come to the market and see me sitting there, selling, how they will mock me?" But it was of no use, she had to yield unless she chose to die of hunger.

For the first time she succeeded well, for the people were glad to buy the woman's wares because she was good-looking, and they paid her what she asked; many even gave her the money and left the pots with her as well. So they lived on what she had earned as long as it lasted, then the husband bought a lot of new crockery. With this she sat down at the corner of the market-place, and set it out round about her ready for sale. But suddenly there came a drunken hussar galloping along, and he rode right amongst the pots so that they were all broken into a thousand bits. She began to weep, and did now know what to do for fear. "Alas! what will happen to me?" cried she; "what will my husband say to this?"

She ran home and told him of the misfortune. "Who would seat herself at a corner of the market-place with crockery?" said the man; "leave off crying, I see very well that you cannot do any ordinary work, so I have been to our King's palace and have asked whether they cannot find a place for a kitchen-maid, and they have promised me to take you; in that way you will get your food for nothing."

The King's daughter was now a kitchen-maid, and had to be at the cook's beck and call, and do the dirtiest work. In both her pockets she fastened a little jar, in which she took home her share of the leavings, and upon this they lived.

It happened that the wedding of the King's eldest son was to be celebrated, so the poor woman went up and placed herself by the door of the hall to look on. When all the candles were lit, and people, each more beautiful than the other, entered, and all was full of pomp and splendour, she thought of her lot with a sad heart, and cursed the pride and haughtiness which had humbled her and brought her to so great poverty.

The smell of the delicious dishes which were being taken in and out reached her, and now and then the servants threw her a few morsels of them: these she put in her jars to take home.

All at once the King's son entered, clothed in velvet and silk, with gold chains about his neck. And when he saw the beautiful woman standing by the door he seized her by the hand, and would have danced with her; but she refused and shrank with fear, for she saw that it was King Thrushbeard, her suitor whom she had driven away with scorn. Her struggles were of no avail, he drew her into the hall; but the string by which her pockets were hung broke, the pots fell down, the soup ran out, and the scraps were scattered all about. And when the people saw it, there arose general laughter and derision, and she was so ashamed that she would rather have been a thousand fathoms below the ground. She sprang to the door and would have run away, but on the stairs a man caught her and brought her back; and when she looked at him it was King Thrushbeard again. He said to her kindly, "Do not be afraid, I and the fiddler who has been living with you in that wretched hovel are one. For love of you I disguised myself so; and I also was the hussar who rode through your crockery. This was all done to humble your proud spirit, and to punish you for the insolence with which you mocked me."

Then she wept bitterly and said, "I have done great wrong, and am not worthy to be your wife." But he said, "Be comforted, the evil days are past; now we will celebrate our wedding." Then the maids-in-waiting came and put on her the most splendid clothing, and her father and his whole court came and wished her happiness in her marriage with King Thrushbeard, and the joy now began in earnest. I wish you and I had been there too.

Though published 200 years ago, this tale is remarkably relevent to today. Though in this story, only the princess holds herself in higher esteem than she ought, in modern America many women consider themselves "princesses" and are proud and haughty enough that no suitor seems good enough for them. Though the hypergamous impulse itself, desiring to marry a man of equal or better social class, is not intrinsically a bad thing, when combined with pride, it is horribly destructive. The rise of feminism and the over-glorification of women has put our society in precisely such a position. Even last week I was talking to a middle-aged fellow who has to clean the dishes and do the vacuuming because his wife is incapable of satisfactorily completing simple domestic chores. In many ways, modern women have less to offer in a relationship, and yet are extremely arrogant and self-deceived about their desirability. For this very reason, numerous secular men are actively avoiding marriage. This tale speaks truths that we all need to be taught or reminded of.

Also well depicted in this fairy tale is the cure for the deadly combination of pride and hypergamy. The princess was humbled and returned to a right state of mind as a result of the direct intervention of two men. The first man, quite obviously, is King Thrushbeard. He was truly an alpha male. King Thrushbeard is kind, goodhearted, wealthy, respected, humble, musical, creative and wise. He never condemned the princess for her pride or became defensive at her insults. Instead, through his words and actions he helped her to see the truth about herself. He was firm, he was assertive, he was authoritative, and yet he loved her truly. That is a beautiful example of the redemption that a goodhearted, wise and dominant man can bring. But, there is a second man who was instrumental in the restoration of the princess. Her father, the King, played an indispensible role in her humbling. While he clearly wanted the best for her, she was too blind to see her own problem. It wasn't true that no suitor was good enough for her. It was only true that she undervalued many of her suitors because of her arrogance. Her father intervened directly by giving her in marriage to the first beggar that asked. Fathers play an instrumental role in shaping the lives of their children. In a patriarchal society, the father is the head of his family, and his word is law. The kind but firm leadership of the King was a necessary part of the restoration process. In today's world, too few daughters obey their fathers, and too few fathers are bold enough to command respect through their words, actions and presence. This is a twofold problem. If men were again taught to be strong, wise, relational patriarchs, both of these problem swiftly vanish. As it stands in today's society, those women who are infected with the debilitating combination of pride and hypergamy will spend their days continually searching for the ever-elusive "Mr. Right," completely blinded to the simple truth that they would eventually reject him, even if they find him, because of their haughtiness.